Happy

Today, in this moment right now, I am happy.

I feel like this is important to post because too often I only write when I am sad, frustrated, or angry.

Nothing spectacular happened today. We've done a med change, so that could be part of it (let's hope), but also things are really looking up in terms of our life together. We're moving out and moving on within the next 2 months. It's been stressful because trying to coordinate a studio move and house move is a lot. I've also been trying to work with a friend on some business stuff and that has proven to be difficult. I'm reminded, daily, that texts and FB messages are not an adequate way to express emotion behind one's words. Trying to give a lot of grace...

But I'm happy. Today. In this moment.

The sky has been clear and blue all day. The lake is a blue-green that was really shimmery in the sun. It was about 60*, nearly perfect, save for the breeze that made it just a touch chilly. The girls are calm and happy. Jason likes his new job and the feeling seems mutual. Right now the house is quiet, just some birds outside and the sound of the bubbling fountain for the girls. Everyone I love is healthy, as far as I know, and although COVID is still pushing down on us, right now the simple precautions we are taking are keeping it at bay, at least for us. Right now, in this moment, I am happy.

And for that, I am very grateful.

TV Wisdom

I've been trying to come to terms with a major truth that was revealed to me by way of a TV show. I hate when fictional characters are smarter than me.

The truth is this -- when someone you love cheats on you, or abandons you (or both), you are left asking "why wasn't I enough?" for the rest of your life. Now in the TV character's situation, she was only talking about being cheated on by her husband, but I realized that the same applies when someone you love abandons you, or otherwise neglects you. Say, for example, a parent.

Being abandoned by my father at a young age, and ignored by my mother for a hefty chunk of my childhood, I've spent most of my life asking myself how I could be enough for them... what could I have done? Or what DID I do that pushed them away?

These questions, these feelings have shaped my entire being. I have tried to be what people want me to be, even when it is inauthentic. I try to entertain, give gifts, anticipate needs and over-compensate... and then I am tremendously let down when these offerings go unacknowledged the way I want them to be acknowledged. I'm basically setting others up for failure, which will then seal what I think I already know - I'm not worthy, not good enough.

Time and time again I make friends, only to have them become friends with my friends and then leave me behind. Why is this? Again - feelings of being unworthy. More than likely it's because I anticipate this happening and try to intercept it by over-reacting and being even more... "too much" to somehow prove my worthiness. This also has the implication that those other 2 people are "better" than me to begin with, and that I should have to work to prove myself worthy to them.

The actual truth is that it has nothing to do with me. People like the people they like. People connect with the people that meet their needs, and not everyone is a perfect match. And just because two of my friends become friends doesn't mean that they will always choose each other over me. In fact, we could all choose each other. There are so many possibilities, and the vast majority of them have little to do with me, and more to do with them and their own "stuff."

So the big question is this - how do I retrain my brain to believe that I am worthy of love and friendship, just as much as anyone else is worthy of these things? Answering this question feels like the answer to a lot of my issues... an answer to a lot of the feelings that keep regurgitating in my psyche over and over.

It's Complicated

So I made all those lists and such just a few weeks ago, and I have yet to really sit down and follow through with any of them. Why? See post title.

It's the voices that play in my head all day, constantly, until I finally sleep at night. And even then, versions of them work into my dreams. They tell me that it's not worth the effort, that I'm not worth the effort, and that any work I put into myself is wasted time because it isn't going to change anything or anyone's opinions of me. Why bother?

Cyclically speaking, that is the headspace I live in for a week or two a month. Then I get a reprieve for a few days, and then 2-7 days of even worse mental brutality. This perimenopausal thing is harsh, and as a dear friend recently said to me, we never talk about it. As women, it would probably help us all to be more open about it and share our experiences with one another because, to be honest, I didn't realize how terrible the mental part of this could get. I really thought it was all just physical and hormonal. But I have no doubt that this is my penance for a lifetime of fairly easy menstrual cycles. No cramps or other symptoms until I turned 40. Then the cramps started, the crazy mood swings, then binging on everything in sight, and the ups and downs of "when is it starting? IS it starting this month?" Hot flashes, sweating through the sheets at night in the dead of winter with the window open and ceiling fan on... it's all so ridiculous. As if I need my body to do all of this to remind me that my eggs are over and I cannot birth children anymore. I get it! I was fine with that idea at 20, I never wanted any to begin with, so can we just please be done?

Apparently not.

And meds don't really help much during those times. I've asked about increasing dosage during those days, but I'm told that I am not likely to see much of a difference because other than my ADHD meds, none of them are fast-acting. So the sad answer is, deal with it.

Sick and Tired

For the last few weeks, I have been feeling really meh, and for the last couple of days, I have also felt physically sick. It's amazing how much power the mind has over the body... I mean, I legit had some issues today (yesterday) with acid reflux, even though I take something for it daily, but I know part of it is all the stuff that is weighing on my mind.

First, this whole mess of living in a village for businesses is really stressful. I have too many people breathing down my neck about us being a retail store with regular hours, etc. I've been placing a lot of value on their comments, but no more. We're closed for the foreseeable future, and the money that was going to be spent down there, taking down walls and re-routing electricity and such, is going to be spent in our apartment instead. I can't continue to live with three floors of utter chaos, and it's been 5 years since we moved in... we spent a bit of time in the beginning sprucing the place up, but then spent the vast majority of time and money on the main floor. No more. I want our home to be comfortable, pretty, and exactly what we want it to be. I don't want to settle anymore.

We're picking tile, and other flooring, doing all new moldings, and painting doors and such to transform this 70s apartment into a proper modern farmhouse. Yay! We will finally be upgrading our used oven, whose numbers you can't even read anymore and whose heat is totally random, and we will upgrade our hand-me-down microwave that takes double the time to heat anything. I'm going to actually USE all the vintage linens I have been collecting (GASP!) to make curtains and other things to use throughout the house, and I want to create a gallery wall in our dining space, and repaint some furniture that has been in need for quite some time.

Meanwhile, we have found a great contractor who is reasonably priced and highly-skilled. He's going to do some work in our bathroom, arguably the worst room of the house at the moment, before we set him loose on the main floor demo. He has a great plan of attack for that space, so I'm excited to see what he does.

All of this has brought me such peace of mind. My anxiety about how everything was going to work out in terms of rebuilding the store space and reopening to appease our neighbors was making me sick. I just want to forget about all of that for now, focus on our home, and use my studio for what it is meant to be -- a studio. No set hours, no nothing. I can use some of the space for taking photos of my work to post etsy on and on my eventual website, I can use some of the space for a filming area to film my online classes, and I can spread out as much as I want without having to worry that a customer is going to see my mess. When it's time to tear up that space, we will know. For now, I am happy to be more INTENTIONAL with what I am choosing to do. ;)

Aaaaaand we're back.

My therapist, as well as several friends and J have all suggested I go back to journaling in some form. So here we are. I don't like pencil/paper journaling anymore because my carpal tunnel makes it difficult to write for any length of time, and this is easy and seems natural...

Going into 2020 I had a bunch of goals. So many that when January 1 finally hit, I felt incredibly overwhelmed and froze in place. But they are important goals, so I'm going to brain dump them here.

Spend time, every day, working on my physical health
1. exercise/move for 20-30 minutes daily
2. take all meds every day
3. track food consumed in an app to track calories and be more accountable re: what I eat
4. drink more water and less Coke Zero
5. meal plan and eat at home more often
6. take my blood sugar and record it at least once per day
7. reduce overall carb intake - fewer than 90 for a while, then fewer than 60 per day
8. stop eating after 8PM
9. to bed by midnight
10. awake by 9AM
11. work with diabetic coach as prescribed by Dr. D

Spend time, every day, working on my mental health:
1. journal daily, even if it's just a brain dump
2. meditate daily for at least 5 minutes using Calm app
3. read and/or work in my mental health books
4. chat with M or J weekly about what I am reading/learning
5. reduce the time I spend on Facebook
6. stick to routine visits with Dr. A and Abi

Word of the year: INTENTION
1. plan my week on Sunday evenings using my calendar(s) and Daily Agenda paper
2. make big decisions after sleeping on them - discuss them with J to get feedback
3. have plans/vision for everything I purchase, including art supplies
4. take the classes that I have been saving up
5. schedule time with friends every other week

Word of the year: AUTHENTICITY
1. do what is best for me (and for us) and not what others want/expect of me
2. work on realizing that what *I* think about myself is all that matters
3. work on art that makes me happy, and not what I think will sell
4. spend time with people who are authentically themselves, and who genuinely like me
5. give of myself in ways that are authentic to me (classes, random gifts, telling them how I feel about them, spend time with them)

I already feel better having written them out instead of having them bounce around in my head.

I have started exercising and am currently on day 2 of a 30-day challenge. I'm enjoying that Body Groove is freeform and allows me room to deal with my own limitations, but also allows me to grow and get better daily. Just doing the elliptical isn't entertainment enough, it doesn't change up enough, to keep my attention. Plus I can wake up, put on clothes and just do it without having to go anywhere. I'm working on stretching out my left shoulder, too, as I go through the program. I'm realizing how stiff my body is and how much mobility I have lost because I don't move/exercise. My legs are certainly better than my upper body, but I'm not liking how that feels. It will get better as I progress.

My evening eating habits are unhealthy. For whatever reason, after dinner, I just binge, even if I am completely full. Part of it is that I am sitting and watching TV, so I clearly need to change that up somehow. If I am not eating while watching TV I am playing games on my iPad. I'd like to be using that time better -- working on something smaller so that I can be upstairs with J, but nothing messy or too easy for the cats to interfere with. Even my coloring books would be a good option. I will put together a bag of supplies that I can easily stash with things I can do with my hands while watching TV. I will also add some SF gum to the bag so that if I need to chew something, at least it's not all sorts of bad food. And we have a good stock of SF Jello I can eat that is sweet, as well as mini pickles when I want something savory. I need to find something else salty, something chip-like, to snack on too. Maybe some of those keto cheese crisps?

I'm going to print out my list above and post it in a few different places so I see them daily. Part of ADHD is easily losing track of time and what I was meaning to do. I have a habit of getting lost on FB or YouTube for hours at a time, and then feeling terrible about it. Hopefully having my list of goals in front of me all the time will help me focus better. Having a daily checklist of all the things may help me stay accountable, too.

The Love Boat

So anxiety and depression keep me from doing a lot of things. In fact, as I recently figured out, though being a homebody/recluse/hermit shelters me from bad stuff, it also keeps me from the good stuff. I've been cocooning myself to feel better protected. Through therapy I have learned that because I didn't feel protected as a child, I learned to build an armor and protect myself. After the horrific experience I had with my last boss and "teammates," my armor was broken, and I no longer had the tools to rebuild it, so I retreated to safety, and refused to come out. We even moved cross-country because I needed to be that far away from the pain.

Then someone on a FB Live this morning said...
"A ship in harbor is safe — but that is not what ships are built for.”

In fact, ships are supposed to go out to sea, battle storms, and see new places. They are purposefully built with strong materials so that they can withstand the pressure of the waves that pound against them. Their decks are built and sealed so that water just slides off of them and does no damage. They don't hide in a shelter, in fact, they ARE a shelter that protects the people and cargo they transport.

WE are ships. I.AM.A.SHIP.

We need to believe that we are meant to get out into the world, to see new places, to try new things, and to withstand the crap people throw at us. My harbor has been safe these last 6 years, and though I am not quite ready to set out for open waters just yet, I'm starting to tool around in the marina. I am built of strong stuff, and though I had a hole and was taking on water, I am working on pumping all of that out and preparing to become sea-worthy once again. This time my sides will be that much stronger, my deck that much more protected, and my cargo safer than ever before. I will also be equipped to allow others to use my harbor, as I won't be needing it as much, which translates into being a better wife, friend, and daughter.

Glee-peats

Have you ever been so sad about something, so connected to someone who leaves your life, that you can feel your heart actually hurt when you think about it? Just for a moment, you can actually feel it rise in your chest to take a heavy sigh before it settles back into place and the tears start?

The first time I felt that level of pain was the first time I had to take to Jason to the airport after he visited me in college. I remember driving away from the airport, and a plane flew over my car. I was sure it was his, and I felt it -- my heart was sobbing, and I felt terribly alone and sad. There was a longing with it that I knew wasn't going to be satisfied for months until I saw him again.

I felt the same way a handful of times since, usually as a result of a tremendous loss, but in the last few months I have felt it again.

I've been watching Glee while I work, specifically the last couple seasons, when one of the original members of the Glee club loses his sense of self. He doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, and his original plan didn't work the way he thought it would, so he questions everything. Long story short, he decides to go to college to become a teacher, and there are several scenes of other teachers reminiscing about what it means to teach and how it feels to connect with a class of kids.

Then I received a lovely card in the mail from one of my former students. She's in her third year in college, pursuing her dreams of being an actress. In the note she told me that she has also added a major in early education education, and that I impacted her life, as a teacher. Most of the time we don't really get to hear these things from former students, especially as an elementary level teacher, so when we do get that level of feedback, it makes a huge impact.

Anyway, all of this has contributed to some major decisions being made. It's been 5 years since I've been in a classroom. When people ask me why I left, I always explain that the politics of being a teacher are exhausting and you just can't teach anymore because you always have to worry about test scores and not always what's best for kids. However, there is another truth...

The last four years of my career were spent in the same school, the first three of which were working for someone who managed to make me doubt myself on a daily basis. She mistreated my closest friend (who, incidentally, is an amazingly gifted teacher), she created a hostile work environment by pitting teachers and other staff against each other, and she made it clear that the secretary and registrar of the school were the most important people there, even above the kids we worked with. To make matters worse, the final three years of my career were spent working with a teammate who was the single most manipulative, passive aggressive, mean girl I have ever met. A million times worse than Regina George. These two women contributed to my overall feelings of inadequacy, instability, and self-loathing. Those feelings have stayed with me all these years, no matter what happened, no matter who tried to tell me differently.

But then I felt it. About a month ago, watching Glee and hearing these fake teachers talk about impacting the lives of kids, I felt it. My heart rose into a heavy, deep sigh, and and the longing began. I wanted my own group of kids so badly that it hurt. My passion for education and doing what's best for kids has never wavered, not once, despite feeling like a failure.

And for the first time in 5 years, I actually considered going back.

The more I've considered it, the more I want it. I'm still terrified because after 5 years I feel like a new teacher all over again. But, I also have regained some confidence that I thought was gone forever. Yes, I made some mistakes in my career, and there are things I regret and kids I know I could have worked harder to help, but I also know there are kids like Ashley, who I did impact in a positive way, and there are more to come.

So this is all to say that although I will continue to make pretty things and have a shop, I am also going back to school for spring semester so that I can renew my Wisconsin teaching license and try to get back into a classroom next fall.

I hope that in a year I will be able to reclaim part of my identity that I have been missing and can no longer deny will always be part of me.

Teacher.