Grab a beverage and sit a spell...

This is going to be long, so bear with me.  I have a lot to say.

I want to begin by saying that this is not meant to be a tirade of excuses.  The following are realizations that I have made about myself and why I am the way I am.  I'm not asking for pity, just understanding.  There's happy ending, I promise.

Being a good person is important to me.  I have a strong need to be needed, to be remembered, to leave a legacy.  In the last few years I have thought a lot about what I want people to say about me when I die.  "She was a saint," isn't one of them, make no mistake.  But I do what to be remembered as someone who gave back a lot... as someone who was a good teacher and wonderful friend.  I want people to use words like "funny," and "caring," and "compassionate."  This is the life that I want to build for myself, because I know that I am the one who needs to work to deserve those accolades.  But it has been difficult to believe that I could ever be deserving of them.

I am an only child, ADHD, and an introvert.  Until recently I didn't truly realize how all of that has impacted my life.

As an only child, I didn't have siblings to beat on me or that I had to learn to exist and share with.  I grew up thinking everything was all about me because, well, it was!  I was a well-behaved kid, but awkward in terms of making friends or playing with other kids because that was not the norm for me.  I realize now that so much of what I did and said as a kid made me sound like a selfish, spoiled brat.  I wasn't trying to be.  None of what I did or said was maliciously thought out, it was all simply my honest reactions to the given stimuli or task.  At family holidays that were spent with my grandfather's side, the next youngest person in attendance after me was my own mother!  I was both mature for my age, and terribly immature because I didn't know how to act around other kids.  I have felt awkward my entire life.

As I moved in to middle and high school, where girls become horrifyingly judgmental, mean, and competitive, it only got worse.  Puberty brought with it big boobs earlier than pretty much anyone else, brand new insecurities, and crippling anxiety and depression.  I know I was a selfish friend, but I didn't know any better.  I was used to always getting what I wanted -- like listening to the music I liked, or watching the shows I liked without any siblings to give me grief about it.  I always had my way, and came to believe that was what life was supposed to be like.  I don't think I was selfish, honestly, because I was clueless about it.  It just didn't occur to me to think about what others may have wanted, so I was bossy about play (to maximize the time I did have with other kids, I wanted to do what I couldn't do alone), vocally jealous and resentful in regards to what I didn't get to have, and always worried about what others thought of me because I wanted to be involved in everything.  I know now that I lost some very good friends thanks to this behavior, all the way through college.

Being an only child also messed with my definition of the word "fair."  To this day I have a tendency to be almost childlike with my black and white views.  Everyone should get the exact same thing, the exact same amount, in the same amount of time.  I was a child communist!  I'm able to make out some shades of gray now, as an adult, but there are many areas where I am still all or nothing.  I constantly have an internal struggle between being a true leader or just doing it myself, whatever "it" may be.  My way may not be the right way, but at least it's something!  But sometimes my way IS the right way. ;)

Being a fatherless child made me crave attention, connection, and approval.  I found myself telling stories to create a better presentation of myself... someone that I saw as deserving of what I craved, because certainly I was not deserving as I was or am.  That's what you do when seeking approval.  I also employed what I call the Fat Girl Diversion Technique (aka "Make 'em laugh!").  If I make self-depricating jokes about myself, others will feel compelled to tell me that I am the opposite of those things in order to make me feel better.  But, of course, I was smart enough to know that they would feel compelled to say these things, so they must have been said out of obligation and not because they were true.... which led me back to feeling badly about myself.  Vicious circle.

The approval-seeker in me, ironically, never believes the good stuff.  I have no problem, however, feeling like a terrible let-down of a human being when I don't get on with 1 person out of 25.  It's my fault that someone doesn't like me, and obviously they are right!  I hope they don't tell anyone else because then no one will want to be my friend anymore!  Oh hi there, Anxiety.  Thanks for bringing your bestie, Depression, with you!

So how do I respond to this?  Well, I push people away so that they can't hurt me, of course!  Anxiety becomes paranoia, which leads to accusations or saying things I don't really mean, thus becoming the person that that first guy (who I honestly probably didn't like in the first place) said I was or thought I was.  Then I have to put my tail between my legs and apologize, hoping my real friends, who I mistreated, will understand and forgive me.

Sigh.  It's all so exhausting.

But here is the good news... to know better is to do better, and admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery.  I have already begun to work on these issues... I know my triggers and am trying to deal with them as best I can.  The most important part is to step outside of the problem and look at it and analyze it.  Ask "how does this really impact me?" and "what would be the best response to this?"  I am learning to slow down and not react immediately, which is really hard for me to do, so if you have ever been a target of this, or are in the future, please know how very sorry I am and that I am working to change.

2015 is going to be the year of letting go.  I know that all of this anxiety stems from one situation in my life that I have clung to for the last 35 years.  It's a crutch that needs to be kicked out from underneath me and burned.  It's based on a lie that I created in my head at a very young age and took responsibility to fix, even though it was never my problem in the first place.  I know that once I can fight it and kill it, it will no longer hold me back from everything that I am meant to accomplish and the happiness that I deserve (because we ALL deserve happiness).

And that begins my path to being the person I truly want to be, not the one I assigned to myself out of fear, self-hate, and blame for something that is not mine to take.

I know I'm not the only one.  May my very public way of beginning the battle be empowering to you and help you start to reckon with your own beasts.