I feel like I have spent an eternity being the person other people have wanted or expected me to be. Not every moment, mind you, but enough that the real me has become a muddied version of reality and expectations. In fact, I am finding through the Brave Girl process that when you spend so much time trying to be everything to everyone, you forget yourself. I have spent so much of my life thinking that the loss I have experienced was my own fault, and that I somehow deserved it. I have devalued my self, my authentic self, to try to be what others want me to be, and I am left asking myself the all-important question of, "why?"
It has taken me this long, 30+ years, to realize, and start to truly believe, that none of it was my fault or my burden to bear. And now I mourn the time I have spent trying to be someone I am not. I mourn the time I spent worrying and believing that I wasn't worth the happiness or gifts that life has presented to me.
But my eternity is about to change.
First, I have allowed a certain person in my life WAY too much power. I have allowed them to define my value in a particular portion of my life, and I am taking that power away. I am, in fact, walking away as soon as I can, so that person no longer has any power, perceived or real, in my life ever again. That was a tough decision because it means being confronted with certain consequences, but it is my belief that the consequences will be healthier and easier to face than the day-to-day doubt that currently confronts me at every turn.
I believe I am ready for a new chapter in my eternity. And I believe my eternity will be as close to happily ever after as it can be.
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A 'punchy' bit of self-examination with, hopefully, an eternally satisfying conclusion drawn. To be true to oneself must always be one's prime cause.
ReplyDeleteAnd I hope it will be happy (plus - you are still so young with much time ahead to change things!) Jae
ReplyDeleteYes, "To Thine Ownself be True" is very appropos. You are right in taking power back to yourself. It is very hard to do (as you know, I've done it), but you will feel much better in the end for it. You know you can lean on me if you need to. :) XOXOXO
ReplyDelete30+ is the perfect age to start owning your eternity. Good luck, Melissa.
ReplyDeleteHow very true. Yes, this is the fine age of realization. Go ahead, and do what you think right Melissa.
ReplyDeleteThere's only one person you HAVE to spend eternity with and that's yourself and if you don't like you well it's not going to be that great. ;) Good luck with your new adventure you can do it!
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