OK -- really?? Who is over at Sunday Scribblings that can read my mind lately?
This week's topic is "safe." Oh boy... this entry is for my fellow Brave Girls.
I have never felt safe in a relationship. I have had one, unconditional, "safe" relationship in my entire life -- with my grandparents. Every other relationship has always felt like it has had some strings attached. Most of those strings are probably perceived, but that isn't really helpful in my mind.
Without getting into the blame part of it, and where this fear comes from, the most important part of this lesson is that because I never feel 100% safe, it is 100% impossible for me to both trust completely, and forgive completely. And forget? Uhm, no. I don't think so. Due to these fears I am really adept at self sabotage. When I feel like someone is getting too close, I push them away, all without my own knowledge. I realize it after the fact, of course, but then it's often too late. The fact that poor Jason has been through this process an uncountable number of times, and is still here, is a testament to either his capacity for love, or his love of self punishment.
Within the Brave Girl process is a process of forgiveness -- both of self and of others. But I am finding it SO HARD to forgive others without first hearing some level of an admittance of guilt. Of course, in most cases, this is never going to happen, but I am glued to this feeling of "you don't deserve my forgiveness if you can't at least admit wrong-doing." I am not sure how to get past this. I know that until I can get past it, let it all go, that I will never be able to forgive, which means all of this life stuff is just going to follow me around.
Safety. I don't know what that feels like. But I long for it. Somewhere besides the confines of my own head, it must exist for me somewhere.
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One thing that helped me forgive those who have hurt me without their own admission of some guilt or wrong-doing is this: They were doing the best they could at the time with what they had, were available to do, or knew. Because something in them was broken because of someone else (they had a childhood that scarred them too in some way thus shaping who they were)they might not have had the skills I needed them to have even though I expected them to because of who they were in my life.
ReplyDeleteIn forgiving them (to myself), I was able to find myself again. I wrote them letters that I never mailed, but burned in a "Forgiveness Ceremony". I don't know the specifics of what BG is having you do with forgiveness, but that is what worked for me.
As always, love and hugs. :)
Sometimes it is necessary (actually, it is always necessary) to develope an honest self-awareness both physically and metaphysically, so that you realise that instead of struggling with the problem of giving forgiveness to others, you should be waiting for forgiveness from them.
ReplyDeleteThe art of Forgiveness is for you - so you can let this go, release its hold on you and you can move on. It's letting go of hoping they will change, finally! It's you who will change. I like the forgiveness ceremony idea. A brave posting. thanks.
ReplyDeleteWhen I saw the Sunday Scribblings prompt "Safe", I knew I couldn't write about it, because like you, I never feel truly safe. I'm not sure safe is realistic. I think you did a wonderful job of writing about your safety concerns. Your thoughts and fears echo mine. Kudos to you for working on it!!
ReplyDeleteI understand. My safety boundaries are very close, though not as much as in earlier years. I've learned that forgiveness didn't matter so much to the other person... in fact, in many cases they never knew... it was for me. It is a healing thing. I've done my version of a forgiveness ceremony. It helped to lay it all out and let it go. I felt free! I like that you write from the heart. Thank you for sharing yourself.
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