What it means to be a BRAVE GIRL

I’ve spent most of my 38 years feeling broken. My parents split when I was 7. Before that, I had always been a daddy’s girl. I idolized my dad, he was everything to me. When my parents split, though, he didn’t make much effort to see me. At first it was once a month, then once every few months, then a card on my birthday… by the time I was 10, I rarely heard from him at all. When I was in high school I reconnected with him for a little bit because I walked past his house everyday on the way home from school — I found that out when I was walking home and saw him mowing the lawn, but he moved out of the house within a year, and disappeared again. I didn’t talk to him, hear from him.. nothing. he just disappeared.

My life went on… I went away to college, got a degree, met my husband and got married, moved around the country a bit, and finally settled in Denver, where we’ve been for the last 10 years. A few months ago I got a message on Facebook from my stepbrother. He told me my dad was very ill and had been searching for my half-brother and me for a long time. He wanted to talk to us both soon, not knowing how long he was going to be alive.

That was really difficult. I have spent my entire life feeling like something was wrong with me because my own father didn’t want anything to do with me. I have lived my life always trying to please others in order to feel some level of approval from someone…. anyone… so that I could feel whole again. It’s never worked. I live this life of desperately trying to make others like me, while keeping them at a distance so that they can never hurt me the way my father hurt me. It’s a hard life to live because there is never any balance.

Anyway, it was then that I found Brave Girls. I signed up almost immediately for Soul Restoration and couldn’t wait to start! But I have spent the entire course feeling like I was lying to myself and everyone else about being brave because I couldn’t bring myself to talk to my dad. I was so afraid that he would tell me I wasn’t worth the time, or that he would suck me in again, only to abandon me all over again. I was living in constant fear, but also jealousy, because I knew my brother was having conversations with our father and was working through their issues.

But I finally feel BRAVE!!! First, I came to realization during week 1 of Soul Restoration that I have a pretty awesome life, and that I have done some amazing things, and he missed out. It was his CHOICE to miss out, not mine. Second, during week 2 I sat down and wrote him a letter. By the time I was done, it was 3, single-spaced, typed pages that not only told him how I felt my entire life because of his crappy choices, but also all about everything he has missed out on because of it. And Sunday, feeling the bravest I have ever felt, I called him. I was terrified at first, but we spoke for nearly an hour, and it was quite good. In fact, the call ended with him telling me that he loved me. And in that moment, I forgave. I will not forget, but I forgave him, and I forgave myself.

I was truly BRAVE.

Sunday Scribblings: Safe

OK -- really?? Who is over at Sunday Scribblings that can read my mind lately?

This week's topic is "safe." Oh boy... this entry is for my fellow Brave Girls.

I have never felt safe in a relationship. I have had one, unconditional, "safe" relationship in my entire life -- with my grandparents. Every other relationship has always felt like it has had some strings attached. Most of those strings are probably perceived, but that isn't really helpful in my mind.

Without getting into the blame part of it, and where this fear comes from, the most important part of this lesson is that because I never feel 100% safe, it is 100% impossible for me to both trust completely, and forgive completely. And forget? Uhm, no. I don't think so. Due to these fears I am really adept at self sabotage. When I feel like someone is getting too close, I push them away, all without my own knowledge. I realize it after the fact, of course, but then it's often too late. The fact that poor Jason has been through this process an uncountable number of times, and is still here, is a testament to either his capacity for love, or his love of self punishment.

Within the Brave Girl process is a process of forgiveness -- both of self and of others. But I am finding it SO HARD to forgive others without first hearing some level of an admittance of guilt. Of course, in most cases, this is never going to happen, but I am glued to this feeling of "you don't deserve my forgiveness if you can't at least admit wrong-doing." I am not sure how to get past this. I know that until I can get past it, let it all go, that I will never be able to forgive, which means all of this life stuff is just going to follow me around.

Safety. I don't know what that feels like. But I long for it. Somewhere besides the confines of my own head, it must exist for me somewhere.

Soul Restoration Week 2

This week's project for BGs is a timeline of our lives. I also started my timeline last night. I honestly just glued down the timeline itself, and while it dried, wrote down all of the "things" that I want to mark as an important event in my life.

First, I felt overwhelmed with the thought of trying to come up with a bunch of important events that have shaped me as a person. I thought, "Events? I only have a couple really horrific events, and that's about all..." But then, as I started writing, more and more bubbled to the surface, and I realized how much good has also happened. In fact, my guess (without looking at the list and matching it all up) is that for every hurt I listed, there was also a celebration -- maybe connected, maybe not, but at least the ratio was 1:1.

So then I got to thinking... why is it that when I think of who I am, I always think to the negative? Abandonment... abuse... neglect... pain in every sense of the word. Why doesn't my brain remember of all of the GOOD things? Why am I so eager to own the pain, and look past the light? And don't say "human nature," because I don't buy that.

My head says that good and bad are even, and to be happy because it should all even out in the end, but my heart says that the bad stuff was SO BAD that it would take double the happy, or more, to truly even out. Sigh. And, of course, some of the "bad" turned in to a blessing in disguise, but not until much later.

I suppose this is why reflection is so important... to take stock and learn and marvel at all that we've learned in our lives. But, as a wise woman once said, I think people should leave their livestock alone.

On that note... happy weekend, everyone.

Time Flies...

Wow! The last 2 weeks have flown by, each day with me thinking I need to update as I drift off to sleep. Opps! Let's see...

Small Victories: Got my library card, found a ton of books to download to read. Did 2-page spread for my Brave Girls journal project. Spent time with an old friend. Exercised for 20 minutes 4 days this week.

Goals for Tomorrow: Do Sunday Scribblings, finish week 1 of Brave Girl projects, exercise 20+ minutes on elliptical.

Today I am most grateful for: my amazing, awesome, sweet husband

I have embarked on my Brave Girls Soul Restoration journey, and was beating myself up for not getting more done this week. I have been so tired when I get home in the evening that all I can pull myself together enough to do is my exercising. Nothing was getting done, creatively speaking. Also, the house needs cleaning, laundry needs to get done, the garage needs to be cleaned out so that we can both park in it... the list goes on. I was feeling overwhelmed, and when I feel overwhelmed, I just shut down. I don't know where to begin, what to focus on, so I just don't. Well, Jason asked me where I was in the BG process and I told him I wasn't. He asked me why and I explained to him how I was feeling. He told me that he is fine with taking on all of the household duties for the next 6 weeks (the length of the course) so that I can focus on me. How freeing that was! So he shooed me off to the craft room and I was able to make some sense of and progress on this week's projects. Yay! Pictures to come on my creative blog soon, but right now, I am just basking in the happiness of getting something accomplished.