Sunday Scribblings: Safe

OK -- really?? Who is over at Sunday Scribblings that can read my mind lately?

This week's topic is "safe." Oh boy... this entry is for my fellow Brave Girls.

I have never felt safe in a relationship. I have had one, unconditional, "safe" relationship in my entire life -- with my grandparents. Every other relationship has always felt like it has had some strings attached. Most of those strings are probably perceived, but that isn't really helpful in my mind.

Without getting into the blame part of it, and where this fear comes from, the most important part of this lesson is that because I never feel 100% safe, it is 100% impossible for me to both trust completely, and forgive completely. And forget? Uhm, no. I don't think so. Due to these fears I am really adept at self sabotage. When I feel like someone is getting too close, I push them away, all without my own knowledge. I realize it after the fact, of course, but then it's often too late. The fact that poor Jason has been through this process an uncountable number of times, and is still here, is a testament to either his capacity for love, or his love of self punishment.

Within the Brave Girl process is a process of forgiveness -- both of self and of others. But I am finding it SO HARD to forgive others without first hearing some level of an admittance of guilt. Of course, in most cases, this is never going to happen, but I am glued to this feeling of "you don't deserve my forgiveness if you can't at least admit wrong-doing." I am not sure how to get past this. I know that until I can get past it, let it all go, that I will never be able to forgive, which means all of this life stuff is just going to follow me around.

Safety. I don't know what that feels like. But I long for it. Somewhere besides the confines of my own head, it must exist for me somewhere.

Sunday Scribblings: Eternity

I feel like I have spent an eternity being the person other people have wanted or expected me to be. Not every moment, mind you, but enough that the real me has become a muddied version of reality and expectations. In fact, I am finding through the Brave Girl process that when you spend so much time trying to be everything to everyone, you forget yourself. I have spent so much of my life thinking that the loss I have experienced was my own fault, and that I somehow deserved it. I have devalued my self, my authentic self, to try to be what others want me to be, and I am left asking myself the all-important question of, "why?"

It has taken me this long, 30+ years, to realize, and start to truly believe, that none of it was my fault or my burden to bear. And now I mourn the time I have spent trying to be someone I am not. I mourn the time I spent worrying and believing that I wasn't worth the happiness or gifts that life has presented to me.

But my eternity is about to change.

First, I have allowed a certain person in my life WAY too much power. I have allowed them to define my value in a particular portion of my life, and I am taking that power away. I am, in fact, walking away as soon as I can, so that person no longer has any power, perceived or real, in my life ever again. That was a tough decision because it means being confronted with certain consequences, but it is my belief that the consequences will be healthier and easier to face than the day-to-day doubt that currently confronts me at every turn.

I believe I am ready for a new chapter in my eternity. And I believe my eternity will be as close to happily ever after as it can be.

Soul Restoration Week 2

This week's project for BGs is a timeline of our lives. I also started my timeline last night. I honestly just glued down the timeline itself, and while it dried, wrote down all of the "things" that I want to mark as an important event in my life.

First, I felt overwhelmed with the thought of trying to come up with a bunch of important events that have shaped me as a person. I thought, "Events? I only have a couple really horrific events, and that's about all..." But then, as I started writing, more and more bubbled to the surface, and I realized how much good has also happened. In fact, my guess (without looking at the list and matching it all up) is that for every hurt I listed, there was also a celebration -- maybe connected, maybe not, but at least the ratio was 1:1.

So then I got to thinking... why is it that when I think of who I am, I always think to the negative? Abandonment... abuse... neglect... pain in every sense of the word. Why doesn't my brain remember of all of the GOOD things? Why am I so eager to own the pain, and look past the light? And don't say "human nature," because I don't buy that.

My head says that good and bad are even, and to be happy because it should all even out in the end, but my heart says that the bad stuff was SO BAD that it would take double the happy, or more, to truly even out. Sigh. And, of course, some of the "bad" turned in to a blessing in disguise, but not until much later.

I suppose this is why reflection is so important... to take stock and learn and marvel at all that we've learned in our lives. But, as a wise woman once said, I think people should leave their livestock alone.

On that note... happy weekend, everyone.

Sunday Scribblings: A Walk in the Park

Ugh.

I'm not a fan of this topic. Lemme just start there.

I'm not going the literal route here (though let's be honest, walking = exercise, so I am morally opposed to it) rather, I am going the idiom route... when something is easy, it is "a walk in the park." Or something.

I'm frustrated with myself. Back in college and high school, words used to flow so easily (a walk in the park...). I used to be able to journal for hours, make all sorts of vivid connections... now I struggle. I suppose it's like anything else, practice would help, and the more I do it, the easier it would become, but it leaves me feeling like I don't have an interesting word to say.

Actually, the bigger problem is that my trust was violated a few years ago on a different incarnation of this blog, so it leaves me concerned with saying too much, being too open. Yes, I get that one should not post private thoughts on the web... that's not what it was about... it was more about someone reading what I had written and twisting it for their benefit.

Anyway, I would like writing to again be a walk in the park for me. I would like it to be a release, rather than a job. Any advice besides practice makes perfect? :)

Sunday Scribblings: Invisible

I would bet that most people, given the power of invisibility, would spy on friends, family, co-workers, in order to gain information for their own gain. I think that sounds like simple human nature.

Right now, given that power, I would use it to be at one with myself. There is just so much noise in my life right now, some many directions to be pulled, so many hands out begging for my time, money, interest... given the ability, I'd hole up for a few days and just be alone with my thoughts and craft room. That is how I would make a difference for myself. Simple, selfish quiet.

To make a difference for others, I would wander the streets and quietly help those I could help. Maybe whisper words of encouragement into strangers' ears, or listen, truly listen, to what their needs are, and figure out a way to help them. In fact, I'd love to spend some time as the "voice" that lives on the shoulder of a few of my students, to help guide them and support them. So many of them seem to have no one who really pushes them towards greatness on a daily basis, no one to remind them that they are capable of anything if they simply try, no one in their corner, always rooting for them... but they have plenty of people to plop them on the couch to watch TV, or to shove a game controller in their hands.

Does it make me boring that I don't have the ability to come up with a grandiose plan for travel, or anything else? Right now I just crave the quiet and the time to help others the way I want to help, and not the way I am forced to help.

Time Flies...

Wow! The last 2 weeks have flown by, each day with me thinking I need to update as I drift off to sleep. Opps! Let's see...

Small Victories: Got my library card, found a ton of books to download to read. Did 2-page spread for my Brave Girls journal project. Spent time with an old friend. Exercised for 20 minutes 4 days this week.

Goals for Tomorrow: Do Sunday Scribblings, finish week 1 of Brave Girl projects, exercise 20+ minutes on elliptical.

Today I am most grateful for: my amazing, awesome, sweet husband

I have embarked on my Brave Girls Soul Restoration journey, and was beating myself up for not getting more done this week. I have been so tired when I get home in the evening that all I can pull myself together enough to do is my exercising. Nothing was getting done, creatively speaking. Also, the house needs cleaning, laundry needs to get done, the garage needs to be cleaned out so that we can both park in it... the list goes on. I was feeling overwhelmed, and when I feel overwhelmed, I just shut down. I don't know where to begin, what to focus on, so I just don't. Well, Jason asked me where I was in the BG process and I told him I wasn't. He asked me why and I explained to him how I was feeling. He told me that he is fine with taking on all of the household duties for the next 6 weeks (the length of the course) so that I can focus on me. How freeing that was! So he shooed me off to the craft room and I was able to make some sense of and progress on this week's projects. Yay! Pictures to come on my creative blog soon, but right now, I am just basking in the happiness of getting something accomplished.

There's No I in Team

Today's Small Victories: Took all of my medications today. Tried a new recipe for dinner, which turned out delicious! Drank less soda today, which is a big deal for me. Writing a blog post. :)

Goals for Tomorrow: Get a new library card so that I can download e-books locally, as well as audio books to listen to in the craft room.

Today I am most grateful for: my teammates

It was great to get back to school to see my teammates today. I feel so fortunate that we get along so well and laugh together as much as we do. It was great to quickly catch up on each others' two weeks. It also struck me how much easier it is to work together this year, after a year of uncertainty last year. A colleague came rushing through our hallway this morning, grumbling about having to get "so much" done on his own, and after he disappeared we all smiled at one another. You see, we decided to approach our task today as a group, making it easier and faster to complete. While everyone else went the course on their own, we leaned on each other, without words, and had a successful day.

In the world of teaching, we are so often alone -- behind the closed door of our classrooms to fend for ourselves. It's often lonely and difficult, but when you have a team who not only shares your struggles, but also wants to help you through them, you don't feel so alone anymore. Today I am so grateful to have a team who works hard, admits their struggles, and helps each other the way we do. I love you girls! :)

Sunday Scribblings: Progress

In reference to this week's Sunday Sribblings prompt...

Progress is one the hardest concepts for me to acknowledge in my life. I am very much an "immediate gratification" kind of girl, which is funny because I am also a pathological planner. Anyway, that concept of "making progress" towards a goal is never as gratifying as completion, which is probably why I can be quick to give up when something doesn't seem to be going the way I want it to go. Diets are a good example. Making progress can be so small, so seemingly insignificant, that it has always been easier to just give up... move on. I want to see huge changes quickly, in order to stay motivated. The rewards need to come faster. But I think what I often neglect to remember is that there is more to weight loss than a change in appearance. In fact, that *should* be the least of my concerns at this point. The greater reward comes in FEELING better, doing more, and feeling better about myself. This is where I will seek my progress this time. Besides wanting to reduce the number of meds I have to take, I want to feel better. I want to have energy to do more and to give more.

Check back every Sunday for more Sunday Scribblings.

2011

Resolutions are not my friends, typically. I see them as reasons for self-abuse, at least in my case, because I usually make them way too hard to achieve. What I find more helpful is to set goals and progress monitor myself daily or weekly. I do this a lot with my students in their areas of struggle. It helps to break down a problem and set mini-goals that are smaller victories, rather than to focus on a larger issue all at once. It’s also motivating to acknowledge small victories on a frequent basis, and reflect on minor setbacks, rather than mentally beat yourself up when you feel you have “failed.”

All of that being said, I also believe that it’s important to have larger, longer-term goals to work toward. These goals are usually much more abstract, and the smaller goals lead towards achieving the bigger goals. Confused yet? :)

My 2011 Goals:

1. Love more openly and unabashedly. Be more appreciative and show gratitude.

• Tell and show people how much they mean to me on a regular basis.
• Sincerely compliment those around me on a daily basis, beyond just their appearance. Acknowledge how they enhance my life, as well as the lives of others.
• Genuinely thank people for what they do for me and for my students.

2. Learn to love myself for who I am, and who I have the potential to become.

• Find and journal about my own small victories every day, no matter how great or small.
• Reflect on my goals daily. Celebrate and make changes when needed.

3. Change/work on several habits to improve my feelings about my appearance.

• Sit up/walk straighter.
• Avoid biting nails/cuticles.
• Workout in some way at least 5-days a week.
• Be consistent about taking my meds and testing my blood.
• Meet with nutritionist from KP.
• Stick to a meal plan based on our weekly menu.
• Read more books for pleasure, rather than for work.

4. Be creative/improve specific skills.

• Write/create something daily.
• Complete online course with Melody Ross in creativity.
• Learn to make homemade pasta.
• Find and refine a really good marinara recipe.

5. Learn to accept the limitations of others, rather than seek apologies or excuses. This one is quite personal, so I wish to keep it private for the time being.

6. Maintain a more orderly home/life for the sanity of both of us!

• Help Jason with the kitchen every night by unloading/loading dishwasher.
• Create and maintain a schedule for cleaning and laundry.
• Build weekly menus prior to shopping trips. Stick to the list!
• Eat out only 1-2 times per week at MOST.
• Limit extraneous spending so as to pay off as many bills as possible.