Today, in this moment right now, I am happy.
I feel like this is important to post because too often I only write when I am sad, frustrated, or angry.
Nothing spectacular happened today. We've done a med change, so that could be part of it (let's hope), but also things are really looking up in terms of our life together. We're moving out and moving on within the next 2 months. It's been stressful because trying to coordinate a studio move and house move is a lot. I've also been trying to work with a friend on some business stuff and that has proven to be difficult. I'm reminded, daily, that texts and FB messages are not an adequate way to express emotion behind one's words. Trying to give a lot of grace...
But I'm happy. Today. In this moment.
The sky has been clear and blue all day. The lake is a blue-green that was really shimmery in the sun. It was about 60*, nearly perfect, save for the breeze that made it just a touch chilly. The girls are calm and happy. Jason likes his new job and the feeling seems mutual. Right now the house is quiet, just some birds outside and the sound of the bubbling fountain for the girls. Everyone I love is healthy, as far as I know, and although COVID is still pushing down on us, right now the simple precautions we are taking are keeping it at bay, at least for us. Right now, in this moment, I am happy.
And for that, I am very grateful.
Wednesday, May 13, 2020
Monday, May 11, 2020
TV Wisdom
I've been trying to come to terms with a major truth that was revealed to me by way of a TV show. I hate when fictional characters are smarter than me.
The truth is this -- when someone you love cheats on you, or abandons you (or both), you are left asking "why wasn't I enough?" for the rest of your life. Now in the TV character's situation, she was only talking about being cheated on by her husband, but I realized that the same applies when someone you love abandons you, or otherwise neglects you. Say, for example, a parent.
Being abandoned by my father at a young age, and ignored by my mother for a hefty chunk of my childhood, I've spent most of my life asking myself how I could be enough for them... what could I have done? Or what DID I do that pushed them away?
These questions, these feelings have shaped my entire being. I have tried to be what people want me to be, even when it is inauthentic. I try to entertain, give gifts, anticipate needs and over-compensate... and then I am tremendously let down when these offerings go unacknowledged the way I want them to be acknowledged. I'm basically setting others up for failure, which will then seal what I think I already know - I'm not worthy, not good enough.
Time and time again I make friends, only to have them become friends with my friends and then leave me behind. Why is this? Again - feelings of being unworthy. More than likely it's because I anticipate this happening and try to intercept it by over-reacting and being even more... "too much" to somehow prove my worthiness. This also has the implication that those other 2 people are "better" than me to begin with, and that I should have to work to prove myself worthy to them.
The actual truth is that it has nothing to do with me. People like the people they like. People connect with the people that meet their needs, and not everyone is a perfect match. And just because two of my friends become friends doesn't mean that they will always choose each other over me. In fact, we could all choose each other. There are so many possibilities, and the vast majority of them have little to do with me, and more to do with them and their own "stuff."
So the big question is this - how do I retrain my brain to believe that I am worthy of love and friendship, just as much as anyone else is worthy of these things? Answering this question feels like the answer to a lot of my issues... an answer to a lot of the feelings that keep regurgitating in my psyche over and over.
The truth is this -- when someone you love cheats on you, or abandons you (or both), you are left asking "why wasn't I enough?" for the rest of your life. Now in the TV character's situation, she was only talking about being cheated on by her husband, but I realized that the same applies when someone you love abandons you, or otherwise neglects you. Say, for example, a parent.
Being abandoned by my father at a young age, and ignored by my mother for a hefty chunk of my childhood, I've spent most of my life asking myself how I could be enough for them... what could I have done? Or what DID I do that pushed them away?
These questions, these feelings have shaped my entire being. I have tried to be what people want me to be, even when it is inauthentic. I try to entertain, give gifts, anticipate needs and over-compensate... and then I am tremendously let down when these offerings go unacknowledged the way I want them to be acknowledged. I'm basically setting others up for failure, which will then seal what I think I already know - I'm not worthy, not good enough.
Time and time again I make friends, only to have them become friends with my friends and then leave me behind. Why is this? Again - feelings of being unworthy. More than likely it's because I anticipate this happening and try to intercept it by over-reacting and being even more... "too much" to somehow prove my worthiness. This also has the implication that those other 2 people are "better" than me to begin with, and that I should have to work to prove myself worthy to them.
The actual truth is that it has nothing to do with me. People like the people they like. People connect with the people that meet their needs, and not everyone is a perfect match. And just because two of my friends become friends doesn't mean that they will always choose each other over me. In fact, we could all choose each other. There are so many possibilities, and the vast majority of them have little to do with me, and more to do with them and their own "stuff."
So the big question is this - how do I retrain my brain to believe that I am worthy of love and friendship, just as much as anyone else is worthy of these things? Answering this question feels like the answer to a lot of my issues... an answer to a lot of the feelings that keep regurgitating in my psyche over and over.
Thursday, February 13, 2020
It's Complicated
So I made all those lists and such just a few weeks ago, and I have yet to really sit down and follow through with any of them. Why? See post title.
It's the voices that play in my head all day, constantly, until I finally sleep at night. And even then, versions of them work into my dreams. They tell me that it's not worth the effort, that I'm not worth the effort, and that any work I put into myself is wasted time because it isn't going to change anything or anyone's opinions of me. Why bother?
Cyclically speaking, that is the headspace I live in for a week or two a month. Then I get a reprieve for a few days, and then 2-7 days of even worse mental brutality. This perimenopausal thing is harsh, and as a dear friend recently said to me, we never talk about it. As women, it would probably help us all to be more open about it and share our experiences with one another because, to be honest, I didn't realize how terrible the mental part of this could get. I really thought it was all just physical and hormonal. But I have no doubt that this is my penance for a lifetime of fairly easy menstrual cycles. No cramps or other symptoms until I turned 40. Then the cramps started, the crazy mood swings, then binging on everything in sight, and the ups and downs of "when is it starting? IS it starting this month?" Hot flashes, sweating through the sheets at night in the dead of winter with the window open and ceiling fan on... it's all so ridiculous. As if I need my body to do all of this to remind me that my eggs are over and I cannot birth children anymore. I get it! I was fine with that idea at 20, I never wanted any to begin with, so can we just please be done?
Apparently not.
And meds don't really help much during those times. I've asked about increasing dosage during those days, but I'm told that I am not likely to see much of a difference because other than my ADHD meds, none of them are fast-acting. So the sad answer is, deal with it.
It's the voices that play in my head all day, constantly, until I finally sleep at night. And even then, versions of them work into my dreams. They tell me that it's not worth the effort, that I'm not worth the effort, and that any work I put into myself is wasted time because it isn't going to change anything or anyone's opinions of me. Why bother?
Cyclically speaking, that is the headspace I live in for a week or two a month. Then I get a reprieve for a few days, and then 2-7 days of even worse mental brutality. This perimenopausal thing is harsh, and as a dear friend recently said to me, we never talk about it. As women, it would probably help us all to be more open about it and share our experiences with one another because, to be honest, I didn't realize how terrible the mental part of this could get. I really thought it was all just physical and hormonal. But I have no doubt that this is my penance for a lifetime of fairly easy menstrual cycles. No cramps or other symptoms until I turned 40. Then the cramps started, the crazy mood swings, then binging on everything in sight, and the ups and downs of "when is it starting? IS it starting this month?" Hot flashes, sweating through the sheets at night in the dead of winter with the window open and ceiling fan on... it's all so ridiculous. As if I need my body to do all of this to remind me that my eggs are over and I cannot birth children anymore. I get it! I was fine with that idea at 20, I never wanted any to begin with, so can we just please be done?
Apparently not.
And meds don't really help much during those times. I've asked about increasing dosage during those days, but I'm told that I am not likely to see much of a difference because other than my ADHD meds, none of them are fast-acting. So the sad answer is, deal with it.
Friday, January 31, 2020
Sick and Tired
For the last few weeks, I have been feeling really meh, and for the last couple of days, I have also felt physically sick. It's amazing how much power the mind has over the body... I mean, I legit had some issues today (yesterday) with acid reflux, even though I take something for it daily, but I know part of it is all the stuff that is weighing on my mind.
First, this whole mess of living in a village for businesses is really stressful. I have too many people breathing down my neck about us being a retail store with regular hours, etc. I've been placing a lot of value on their comments, but no more. We're closed for the foreseeable future, and the money that was going to be spent down there, taking down walls and re-routing electricity and such, is going to be spent in our apartment instead. I can't continue to live with three floors of utter chaos, and it's been 5 years since we moved in... we spent a bit of time in the beginning sprucing the place up, but then spent the vast majority of time and money on the main floor. No more. I want our home to be comfortable, pretty, and exactly what we want it to be. I don't want to settle anymore.
We're picking tile, and other flooring, doing all new moldings, and painting doors and such to transform this 70s apartment into a proper modern farmhouse. Yay! We will finally be upgrading our used oven, whose numbers you can't even read anymore and whose heat is totally random, and we will upgrade our hand-me-down microwave that takes double the time to heat anything. I'm going to actually USE all the vintage linens I have been collecting (GASP!) to make curtains and other things to use throughout the house, and I want to create a gallery wall in our dining space, and repaint some furniture that has been in need for quite some time.
Meanwhile, we have found a great contractor who is reasonably priced and highly-skilled. He's going to do some work in our bathroom, arguably the worst room of the house at the moment, before we set him loose on the main floor demo. He has a great plan of attack for that space, so I'm excited to see what he does.
All of this has brought me such peace of mind. My anxiety about how everything was going to work out in terms of rebuilding the store space and reopening to appease our neighbors was making me sick. I just want to forget about all of that for now, focus on our home, and use my studio for what it is meant to be -- a studio. No set hours, no nothing. I can use some of the space for taking photos of my work to post etsy on and on my eventual website, I can use some of the space for a filming area to film my online classes, and I can spread out as much as I want without having to worry that a customer is going to see my mess. When it's time to tear up that space, we will know. For now, I am happy to be more INTENTIONAL with what I am choosing to do. ;)
First, this whole mess of living in a village for businesses is really stressful. I have too many people breathing down my neck about us being a retail store with regular hours, etc. I've been placing a lot of value on their comments, but no more. We're closed for the foreseeable future, and the money that was going to be spent down there, taking down walls and re-routing electricity and such, is going to be spent in our apartment instead. I can't continue to live with three floors of utter chaos, and it's been 5 years since we moved in... we spent a bit of time in the beginning sprucing the place up, but then spent the vast majority of time and money on the main floor. No more. I want our home to be comfortable, pretty, and exactly what we want it to be. I don't want to settle anymore.
We're picking tile, and other flooring, doing all new moldings, and painting doors and such to transform this 70s apartment into a proper modern farmhouse. Yay! We will finally be upgrading our used oven, whose numbers you can't even read anymore and whose heat is totally random, and we will upgrade our hand-me-down microwave that takes double the time to heat anything. I'm going to actually USE all the vintage linens I have been collecting (GASP!) to make curtains and other things to use throughout the house, and I want to create a gallery wall in our dining space, and repaint some furniture that has been in need for quite some time.
Meanwhile, we have found a great contractor who is reasonably priced and highly-skilled. He's going to do some work in our bathroom, arguably the worst room of the house at the moment, before we set him loose on the main floor demo. He has a great plan of attack for that space, so I'm excited to see what he does.
All of this has brought me such peace of mind. My anxiety about how everything was going to work out in terms of rebuilding the store space and reopening to appease our neighbors was making me sick. I just want to forget about all of that for now, focus on our home, and use my studio for what it is meant to be -- a studio. No set hours, no nothing. I can use some of the space for taking photos of my work to post etsy on and on my eventual website, I can use some of the space for a filming area to film my online classes, and I can spread out as much as I want without having to worry that a customer is going to see my mess. When it's time to tear up that space, we will know. For now, I am happy to be more INTENTIONAL with what I am choosing to do. ;)
Tuesday, January 28, 2020
Aaaaaand we're back.
My therapist, as well as several friends and J have all suggested I go back to journaling in some form. So here we are. I don't like pencil/paper journaling anymore because my carpal tunnel makes it difficult to write for any length of time, and this is easy and seems natural...
Going into 2020 I had a bunch of goals. So many that when January 1 finally hit, I felt incredibly overwhelmed and froze in place. But they are important goals, so I'm going to brain dump them here.
Spend time, every day, working on my physical health
1. exercise/move for 20-30 minutes daily
2. take all meds every day
3. track food consumed in an app to track calories and be more accountable re: what I eat
4. drink more water and less Coke Zero
5. meal plan and eat at home more often
6. take my blood sugar and record it at least once per day
7. reduce overall carb intake - fewer than 90 for a while, then fewer than 60 per day
8. stop eating after 8PM
9. to bed by midnight
10. awake by 9AM
11. work with diabetic coach as prescribed by Dr. D
Spend time, every day, working on my mental health:
1. journal daily, even if it's just a brain dump
2. meditate daily for at least 5 minutes using Calm app
3. read and/or work in my mental health books
4. chat with M or J weekly about what I am reading/learning
5. reduce the time I spend on Facebook
6. stick to routine visits with Dr. A and Abi
Word of the year: INTENTION
1. plan my week on Sunday evenings using my calendar(s) and Daily Agenda paper
2. make big decisions after sleeping on them - discuss them with J to get feedback
3. have plans/vision for everything I purchase, including art supplies
4. take the classes that I have been saving up
5. schedule time with friends every other week
Word of the year: AUTHENTICITY
1. do what is best for me (and for us) and not what others want/expect of me
2. work on realizing that what *I* think about myself is all that matters
3. work on art that makes me happy, and not what I think will sell
4. spend time with people who are authentically themselves, and who genuinely like me
5. give of myself in ways that are authentic to me (classes, random gifts, telling them how I feel about them, spend time with them)
I already feel better having written them out instead of having them bounce around in my head.
I have started exercising and am currently on day 2 of a 30-day challenge. I'm enjoying that Body Groove is freeform and allows me room to deal with my own limitations, but also allows me to grow and get better daily. Just doing the elliptical isn't entertainment enough, it doesn't change up enough, to keep my attention. Plus I can wake up, put on clothes and just do it without having to go anywhere. I'm working on stretching out my left shoulder, too, as I go through the program. I'm realizing how stiff my body is and how much mobility I have lost because I don't move/exercise. My legs are certainly better than my upper body, but I'm not liking how that feels. It will get better as I progress.
My evening eating habits are unhealthy. For whatever reason, after dinner, I just binge, even if I am completely full. Part of it is that I am sitting and watching TV, so I clearly need to change that up somehow. If I am not eating while watching TV I am playing games on my iPad. I'd like to be using that time better -- working on something smaller so that I can be upstairs with J, but nothing messy or too easy for the cats to interfere with. Even my coloring books would be a good option. I will put together a bag of supplies that I can easily stash with things I can do with my hands while watching TV. I will also add some SF gum to the bag so that if I need to chew something, at least it's not all sorts of bad food. And we have a good stock of SF Jello I can eat that is sweet, as well as mini pickles when I want something savory. I need to find something else salty, something chip-like, to snack on too. Maybe some of those keto cheese crisps?
I'm going to print out my list above and post it in a few different places so I see them daily. Part of ADHD is easily losing track of time and what I was meaning to do. I have a habit of getting lost on FB or YouTube for hours at a time, and then feeling terrible about it. Hopefully having my list of goals in front of me all the time will help me focus better. Having a daily checklist of all the things may help me stay accountable, too.
Going into 2020 I had a bunch of goals. So many that when January 1 finally hit, I felt incredibly overwhelmed and froze in place. But they are important goals, so I'm going to brain dump them here.
Spend time, every day, working on my physical health
1. exercise/move for 20-30 minutes daily
2. take all meds every day
3. track food consumed in an app to track calories and be more accountable re: what I eat
4. drink more water and less Coke Zero
5. meal plan and eat at home more often
6. take my blood sugar and record it at least once per day
7. reduce overall carb intake - fewer than 90 for a while, then fewer than 60 per day
8. stop eating after 8PM
9. to bed by midnight
10. awake by 9AM
11. work with diabetic coach as prescribed by Dr. D
Spend time, every day, working on my mental health:
1. journal daily, even if it's just a brain dump
2. meditate daily for at least 5 minutes using Calm app
3. read and/or work in my mental health books
4. chat with M or J weekly about what I am reading/learning
5. reduce the time I spend on Facebook
6. stick to routine visits with Dr. A and Abi
Word of the year: INTENTION
1. plan my week on Sunday evenings using my calendar(s) and Daily Agenda paper
2. make big decisions after sleeping on them - discuss them with J to get feedback
3. have plans/vision for everything I purchase, including art supplies
4. take the classes that I have been saving up
5. schedule time with friends every other week
Word of the year: AUTHENTICITY
1. do what is best for me (and for us) and not what others want/expect of me
2. work on realizing that what *I* think about myself is all that matters
3. work on art that makes me happy, and not what I think will sell
4. spend time with people who are authentically themselves, and who genuinely like me
5. give of myself in ways that are authentic to me (classes, random gifts, telling them how I feel about them, spend time with them)
I already feel better having written them out instead of having them bounce around in my head.
I have started exercising and am currently on day 2 of a 30-day challenge. I'm enjoying that Body Groove is freeform and allows me room to deal with my own limitations, but also allows me to grow and get better daily. Just doing the elliptical isn't entertainment enough, it doesn't change up enough, to keep my attention. Plus I can wake up, put on clothes and just do it without having to go anywhere. I'm working on stretching out my left shoulder, too, as I go through the program. I'm realizing how stiff my body is and how much mobility I have lost because I don't move/exercise. My legs are certainly better than my upper body, but I'm not liking how that feels. It will get better as I progress.
My evening eating habits are unhealthy. For whatever reason, after dinner, I just binge, even if I am completely full. Part of it is that I am sitting and watching TV, so I clearly need to change that up somehow. If I am not eating while watching TV I am playing games on my iPad. I'd like to be using that time better -- working on something smaller so that I can be upstairs with J, but nothing messy or too easy for the cats to interfere with. Even my coloring books would be a good option. I will put together a bag of supplies that I can easily stash with things I can do with my hands while watching TV. I will also add some SF gum to the bag so that if I need to chew something, at least it's not all sorts of bad food. And we have a good stock of SF Jello I can eat that is sweet, as well as mini pickles when I want something savory. I need to find something else salty, something chip-like, to snack on too. Maybe some of those keto cheese crisps?
I'm going to print out my list above and post it in a few different places so I see them daily. Part of ADHD is easily losing track of time and what I was meaning to do. I have a habit of getting lost on FB or YouTube for hours at a time, and then feeling terrible about it. Hopefully having my list of goals in front of me all the time will help me focus better. Having a daily checklist of all the things may help me stay accountable, too.
Monday, August 13, 2018
The Love Boat
So anxiety and depression keep me from doing a lot of things. In fact, as I recently figured out, though being a homebody/recluse/hermit shelters me from bad stuff, it also keeps me from the good stuff. I've been cocooning myself to feel better protected. Through therapy I have learned that because I didn't feel protected as a child, I learned to build an armor and protect myself. After the horrific experience I had with my last boss and "teammates," my armor was broken, and I no longer had the tools to rebuild it, so I retreated to safety, and refused to come out. We even moved cross-country because I needed to be that far away from the pain.
Then someone on a FB Live this morning said...
"A ship in harbor is safe — but that is not what ships are built for.”
In fact, ships are supposed to go out to sea, battle storms, and see new places. They are purposefully built with strong materials so that they can withstand the pressure of the waves that pound against them. Their decks are built and sealed so that water just slides off of them and does no damage. They don't hide in a shelter, in fact, they ARE a shelter that protects the people and cargo they transport.
WE are ships. I.AM.A.SHIP.
We need to believe that we are meant to get out into the world, to see new places, to try new things, and to withstand the crap people throw at us. My harbor has been safe these last 6 years, and though I am not quite ready to set out for open waters just yet, I'm starting to tool around in the marina. I am built of strong stuff, and though I had a hole and was taking on water, I am working on pumping all of that out and preparing to become sea-worthy once again. This time my sides will be that much stronger, my deck that much more protected, and my cargo safer than ever before. I will also be equipped to allow others to use my harbor, as I won't be needing it as much, which translates into being a better wife, friend, and daughter.
Then someone on a FB Live this morning said...
"A ship in harbor is safe — but that is not what ships are built for.”
In fact, ships are supposed to go out to sea, battle storms, and see new places. They are purposefully built with strong materials so that they can withstand the pressure of the waves that pound against them. Their decks are built and sealed so that water just slides off of them and does no damage. They don't hide in a shelter, in fact, they ARE a shelter that protects the people and cargo they transport.
WE are ships. I.AM.A.SHIP.
We need to believe that we are meant to get out into the world, to see new places, to try new things, and to withstand the crap people throw at us. My harbor has been safe these last 6 years, and though I am not quite ready to set out for open waters just yet, I'm starting to tool around in the marina. I am built of strong stuff, and though I had a hole and was taking on water, I am working on pumping all of that out and preparing to become sea-worthy once again. This time my sides will be that much stronger, my deck that much more protected, and my cargo safer than ever before. I will also be equipped to allow others to use my harbor, as I won't be needing it as much, which translates into being a better wife, friend, and daughter.
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
Glee-peats
Have you ever been so sad about something, so connected to someone who leaves your life, that you can feel your heart actually hurt when you think about it? Just for a moment, you can actually feel it rise in your chest to take a heavy sigh before it settles back into place and the tears start?
The first time I felt that level of pain was the first time I had to take to Jason to the airport after he visited me in college. I remember driving away from the airport, and a plane flew over my car. I was sure it was his, and I felt it -- my heart was sobbing, and I felt terribly alone and sad. There was a longing with it that I knew wasn't going to be satisfied for months until I saw him again.
I felt the same way a handful of times since, usually as a result of a tremendous loss, but in the last few months I have felt it again.
I've been watching Glee while I work, specifically the last couple seasons, when one of the original members of the Glee club loses his sense of self. He doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, and his original plan didn't work the way he thought it would, so he questions everything. Long story short, he decides to go to college to become a teacher, and there are several scenes of other teachers reminiscing about what it means to teach and how it feels to connect with a class of kids.
Then I received a lovely card in the mail from one of my former students. She's in her third year in college, pursuing her dreams of being an actress. In the note she told me that she has also added a major in early education education, and that I impacted her life, as a teacher. Most of the time we don't really get to hear these things from former students, especially as an elementary level teacher, so when we do get that level of feedback, it makes a huge impact.
Anyway, all of this has contributed to some major decisions being made. It's been 5 years since I've been in a classroom. When people ask me why I left, I always explain that the politics of being a teacher are exhausting and you just can't teach anymore because you always have to worry about test scores and not always what's best for kids. However, there is another truth...
The last four years of my career were spent in the same school, the first three of which were working for someone who managed to make me doubt myself on a daily basis. She mistreated my closest friend (who, incidentally, is an amazingly gifted teacher), she created a hostile work environment by pitting teachers and other staff against each other, and she made it clear that the secretary and registrar of the school were the most important people there, even above the kids we worked with. To make matters worse, the final three years of my career were spent working with a teammate who was the single most manipulative, passive aggressive, mean girl I have ever met. A million times worse than Regina George. These two women contributed to my overall feelings of inadequacy, instability, and self-loathing. Those feelings have stayed with me all these years, no matter what happened, no matter who tried to tell me differently.
But then I felt it. About a month ago, watching Glee and hearing these fake teachers talk about impacting the lives of kids, I felt it. My heart rose into a heavy, deep sigh, and and the longing began. I wanted my own group of kids so badly that it hurt. My passion for education and doing what's best for kids has never wavered, not once, despite feeling like a failure.
And for the first time in 5 years, I actually considered going back.
The more I've considered it, the more I want it. I'm still terrified because after 5 years I feel like a new teacher all over again. But, I also have regained some confidence that I thought was gone forever. Yes, I made some mistakes in my career, and there are things I regret and kids I know I could have worked harder to help, but I also know there are kids like Ashley, who I did impact in a positive way, and there are more to come.
So this is all to say that although I will continue to make pretty things and have a shop, I am also going back to school for spring semester so that I can renew my Wisconsin teaching license and try to get back into a classroom next fall.
I hope that in a year I will be able to reclaim part of my identity that I have been missing and can no longer deny will always be part of me.
Teacher.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Growth
So....
Today I saw a post on Facebook by someone who visited my booth at a fair. She posted on a local "for sale" board that she is now making bracelets just like mine -- she's clearly gluing pre-made metal on to belts.
Once upon a time this would have really pissed me off. I would have ranted about it, maybe even contacted her about with a snarky remark, which would only have served to make me feel horrible later. Instead it served as a great reminder that I think every artist needs to hear sometimes...
First of all, it reminded me of how far I have come in my learning and my work. In the past I may have felt jealous or competitive about someone doing what I do, instead I feel like this is a sign to ramp up my game and take the next step in my jewelry. Instead of making the same stuff, I am designing new pieces, learning new processes, and really working on my style to create a signature look.
Second, I'm flattered that someone liked my work enough to try to duplicate it. She's clearly at the very beginning of doing what she does, but still, she liked what I made enough to decide to go purchase all the supplies to make them herself.
Last, and this is what I really want to impart on other artists... this other person deciding to duplicate what I do does not, in any way, detract from my work. She's not the competition, she's a member of the artist community now, and we actually have something in common that we could talk about were we to meet by chance. I'm not going to contact her, offer her advice, or anything like that, but I do applaud her and wish her well as she begins her own journey as an artist.
I know some folks who feel as if someone else ripped off their ideas for their own benefit. Here's the thing... I didn't invent bracelets. I didn't invent leather, soldering, recycling belts, etc. I simply took what was already out there and put my own spin on it, and now someone else is doing the same! The circle of art! :)
Today I saw a post on Facebook by someone who visited my booth at a fair. She posted on a local "for sale" board that she is now making bracelets just like mine -- she's clearly gluing pre-made metal on to belts.
Once upon a time this would have really pissed me off. I would have ranted about it, maybe even contacted her about with a snarky remark, which would only have served to make me feel horrible later. Instead it served as a great reminder that I think every artist needs to hear sometimes...
First of all, it reminded me of how far I have come in my learning and my work. In the past I may have felt jealous or competitive about someone doing what I do, instead I feel like this is a sign to ramp up my game and take the next step in my jewelry. Instead of making the same stuff, I am designing new pieces, learning new processes, and really working on my style to create a signature look.
Second, I'm flattered that someone liked my work enough to try to duplicate it. She's clearly at the very beginning of doing what she does, but still, she liked what I made enough to decide to go purchase all the supplies to make them herself.
Last, and this is what I really want to impart on other artists... this other person deciding to duplicate what I do does not, in any way, detract from my work. She's not the competition, she's a member of the artist community now, and we actually have something in common that we could talk about were we to meet by chance. I'm not going to contact her, offer her advice, or anything like that, but I do applaud her and wish her well as she begins her own journey as an artist.
I know some folks who feel as if someone else ripped off their ideas for their own benefit. Here's the thing... I didn't invent bracelets. I didn't invent leather, soldering, recycling belts, etc. I simply took what was already out there and put my own spin on it, and now someone else is doing the same! The circle of art! :)
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Guess Jeans and Benetton Sweaters
So a few days ago one of my Facebook friends wrote a post that was a blatant judgement on someone else, a stranger they witnessed in public, doing something that was quite mundane, but something that they would never do (apparently). They ended their post with "who does that?" The mundane thing in question was totally something I would do, given a similar situation. The funny part about it was that the person making the judgement gets judged on a daily basis based on the lifestyle they lead. She is confronted often, probably daily in social media, by people who think she is not only wrong, but damned to hell. That's pretty intense, and it was very much a pot/kettle moment to me.
Humans are very judgmental by nature. We feel entitled to our opinions, our preferences, and our statements, even going so far in America to protect them at the governmental level. I get it -- I mean, on a very basic level, when we judge someone else's preference as sub-par to our own, we feel more right, superior even. And when friends and family, whose approval we seek, actually validate our opinions, they become even more solidified. So we must be right, right?
Here's the thing... although choices help make life interesting, and differing opinions/preferences do the same, we often allow them to serve to both group us and separate us from one-another. Think of high school -- the ridiculous stuff that we allow to impact who we like and don't like... clothing labels, the kind of cars we drove (or didn't), music we listened to... and it continues today as adults, just on a different level.
What if we didn't judge one another's opinions, choices, preferences, etc? What if, even when someone made a monumentally bad choice (in our humble opinion), we gave them the benefit of the doubt that they are doing the best they could at any given moment? What if we truly did embrace and appreciate how different we all are, but how similar we all are, as well? What if we're just all here to love each other and be the best version of ourselves possible? Don't you think the world would be a very, very different place? I don't think this is pie in the sky, either. I really believe that this is a simple choice, and I've been trying to remind myself that if I am doing the best I can, others must be doing the same. It doesn't always work, but with simple things like other people's choices in terms of clothing, music, art, and the plethora of ways they choose to express themselves, why expend that energy?
Why try to find ways to tear each other down? There's plenty of room at the top for everyone.
Humans are very judgmental by nature. We feel entitled to our opinions, our preferences, and our statements, even going so far in America to protect them at the governmental level. I get it -- I mean, on a very basic level, when we judge someone else's preference as sub-par to our own, we feel more right, superior even. And when friends and family, whose approval we seek, actually validate our opinions, they become even more solidified. So we must be right, right?
Here's the thing... although choices help make life interesting, and differing opinions/preferences do the same, we often allow them to serve to both group us and separate us from one-another. Think of high school -- the ridiculous stuff that we allow to impact who we like and don't like... clothing labels, the kind of cars we drove (or didn't), music we listened to... and it continues today as adults, just on a different level.
What if we didn't judge one another's opinions, choices, preferences, etc? What if, even when someone made a monumentally bad choice (in our humble opinion), we gave them the benefit of the doubt that they are doing the best they could at any given moment? What if we truly did embrace and appreciate how different we all are, but how similar we all are, as well? What if we're just all here to love each other and be the best version of ourselves possible? Don't you think the world would be a very, very different place? I don't think this is pie in the sky, either. I really believe that this is a simple choice, and I've been trying to remind myself that if I am doing the best I can, others must be doing the same. It doesn't always work, but with simple things like other people's choices in terms of clothing, music, art, and the plethora of ways they choose to express themselves, why expend that energy?
Why try to find ways to tear each other down? There's plenty of room at the top for everyone.
Friday, January 2, 2015
Grab a beverage and sit a spell...
This is going to be long, so bear with me. I have a lot to say.
I want to begin by saying that this is not meant to be a tirade of excuses. The following are realizations that I have made about myself and why I am the way I am. I'm not asking for pity, just understanding. There's happy ending, I promise.
Being a good person is important to me. I have a strong need to be needed, to be remembered, to leave a legacy. In the last few years I have thought a lot about what I want people to say about me when I die. "She was a saint," isn't one of them, make no mistake. But I do what to be remembered as someone who gave back a lot... as someone who was a good teacher and wonderful friend. I want people to use words like "funny," and "caring," and "compassionate." This is the life that I want to build for myself, because I know that I am the one who needs to work to deserve those accolades. But it has been difficult to believe that I could ever be deserving of them.
I am an only child, ADHD, and an introvert. Until recently I didn't truly realize how all of that has impacted my life.
As an only child, I didn't have siblings to beat on me or that I had to learn to exist and share with. I grew up thinking everything was all about me because, well, it was! I was a well-behaved kid, but awkward in terms of making friends or playing with other kids because that was not the norm for me. I realize now that so much of what I did and said as a kid made me sound like a selfish, spoiled brat. I wasn't trying to be. None of what I did or said was maliciously thought out, it was all simply my honest reactions to the given stimuli or task. At family holidays that were spent with my grandfather's side, the next youngest person in attendance after me was my own mother! I was both mature for my age, and terribly immature because I didn't know how to act around other kids. I have felt awkward my entire life.
As I moved in to middle and high school, where girls become horrifyingly judgmental, mean, and competitive, it only got worse. Puberty brought with it big boobs earlier than pretty much anyone else, brand new insecurities, and crippling anxiety and depression. I know I was a selfish friend, but I didn't know any better. I was used to always getting what I wanted -- like listening to the music I liked, or watching the shows I liked without any siblings to give me grief about it. I always had my way, and came to believe that was what life was supposed to be like. I don't think I was selfish, honestly, because I was clueless about it. It just didn't occur to me to think about what others may have wanted, so I was bossy about play (to maximize the time I did have with other kids, I wanted to do what I couldn't do alone), vocally jealous and resentful in regards to what I didn't get to have, and always worried about what others thought of me because I wanted to be involved in everything. I know now that I lost some very good friends thanks to this behavior, all the way through college.
Being an only child also messed with my definition of the word "fair." To this day I have a tendency to be almost childlike with my black and white views. Everyone should get the exact same thing, the exact same amount, in the same amount of time. I was a child communist! I'm able to make out some shades of gray now, as an adult, but there are many areas where I am still all or nothing. I constantly have an internal struggle between being a true leader or just doing it myself, whatever "it" may be. My way may not be the right way, but at least it's something! But sometimes my way IS the right way. ;)
Being a fatherless child made me crave attention, connection, and approval. I found myself telling stories to create a better presentation of myself... someone that I saw as deserving of what I craved, because certainly I was not deserving as I was or am. That's what you do when seeking approval. I also employed what I call the Fat Girl Diversion Technique (aka "Make 'em laugh!"). If I make self-depricating jokes about myself, others will feel compelled to tell me that I am the opposite of those things in order to make me feel better. But, of course, I was smart enough to know that they would feel compelled to say these things, so they must have been said out of obligation and not because they were true.... which led me back to feeling badly about myself. Vicious circle.
The approval-seeker in me, ironically, never believes the good stuff. I have no problem, however, feeling like a terrible let-down of a human being when I don't get on with 1 person out of 25. It's my fault that someone doesn't like me, and obviously they are right! I hope they don't tell anyone else because then no one will want to be my friend anymore! Oh hi there, Anxiety. Thanks for bringing your bestie, Depression, with you!
So how do I respond to this? Well, I push people away so that they can't hurt me, of course! Anxiety becomes paranoia, which leads to accusations or saying things I don't really mean, thus becoming the person that that first guy (who I honestly probably didn't like in the first place) said I was or thought I was. Then I have to put my tail between my legs and apologize, hoping my real friends, who I mistreated, will understand and forgive me.
Sigh. It's all so exhausting.
But here is the good news... to know better is to do better, and admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery. I have already begun to work on these issues... I know my triggers and am trying to deal with them as best I can. The most important part is to step outside of the problem and look at it and analyze it. Ask "how does this really impact me?" and "what would be the best response to this?" I am learning to slow down and not react immediately, which is really hard for me to do, so if you have ever been a target of this, or are in the future, please know how very sorry I am and that I am working to change.
2015 is going to be the year of letting go. I know that all of this anxiety stems from one situation in my life that I have clung to for the last 35 years. It's a crutch that needs to be kicked out from underneath me and burned. It's based on a lie that I created in my head at a very young age and took responsibility to fix, even though it was never my problem in the first place. I know that once I can fight it and kill it, it will no longer hold me back from everything that I am meant to accomplish and the happiness that I deserve (because we ALL deserve happiness).
And that begins my path to being the person I truly want to be, not the one I assigned to myself out of fear, self-hate, and blame for something that is not mine to take.
I know I'm not the only one. May my very public way of beginning the battle be empowering to you and help you start to reckon with your own beasts.
I want to begin by saying that this is not meant to be a tirade of excuses. The following are realizations that I have made about myself and why I am the way I am. I'm not asking for pity, just understanding. There's happy ending, I promise.
Being a good person is important to me. I have a strong need to be needed, to be remembered, to leave a legacy. In the last few years I have thought a lot about what I want people to say about me when I die. "She was a saint," isn't one of them, make no mistake. But I do what to be remembered as someone who gave back a lot... as someone who was a good teacher and wonderful friend. I want people to use words like "funny," and "caring," and "compassionate." This is the life that I want to build for myself, because I know that I am the one who needs to work to deserve those accolades. But it has been difficult to believe that I could ever be deserving of them.
I am an only child, ADHD, and an introvert. Until recently I didn't truly realize how all of that has impacted my life.
As an only child, I didn't have siblings to beat on me or that I had to learn to exist and share with. I grew up thinking everything was all about me because, well, it was! I was a well-behaved kid, but awkward in terms of making friends or playing with other kids because that was not the norm for me. I realize now that so much of what I did and said as a kid made me sound like a selfish, spoiled brat. I wasn't trying to be. None of what I did or said was maliciously thought out, it was all simply my honest reactions to the given stimuli or task. At family holidays that were spent with my grandfather's side, the next youngest person in attendance after me was my own mother! I was both mature for my age, and terribly immature because I didn't know how to act around other kids. I have felt awkward my entire life.
As I moved in to middle and high school, where girls become horrifyingly judgmental, mean, and competitive, it only got worse. Puberty brought with it big boobs earlier than pretty much anyone else, brand new insecurities, and crippling anxiety and depression. I know I was a selfish friend, but I didn't know any better. I was used to always getting what I wanted -- like listening to the music I liked, or watching the shows I liked without any siblings to give me grief about it. I always had my way, and came to believe that was what life was supposed to be like. I don't think I was selfish, honestly, because I was clueless about it. It just didn't occur to me to think about what others may have wanted, so I was bossy about play (to maximize the time I did have with other kids, I wanted to do what I couldn't do alone), vocally jealous and resentful in regards to what I didn't get to have, and always worried about what others thought of me because I wanted to be involved in everything. I know now that I lost some very good friends thanks to this behavior, all the way through college.
Being an only child also messed with my definition of the word "fair." To this day I have a tendency to be almost childlike with my black and white views. Everyone should get the exact same thing, the exact same amount, in the same amount of time. I was a child communist! I'm able to make out some shades of gray now, as an adult, but there are many areas where I am still all or nothing. I constantly have an internal struggle between being a true leader or just doing it myself, whatever "it" may be. My way may not be the right way, but at least it's something! But sometimes my way IS the right way. ;)
Being a fatherless child made me crave attention, connection, and approval. I found myself telling stories to create a better presentation of myself... someone that I saw as deserving of what I craved, because certainly I was not deserving as I was or am. That's what you do when seeking approval. I also employed what I call the Fat Girl Diversion Technique (aka "Make 'em laugh!"). If I make self-depricating jokes about myself, others will feel compelled to tell me that I am the opposite of those things in order to make me feel better. But, of course, I was smart enough to know that they would feel compelled to say these things, so they must have been said out of obligation and not because they were true.... which led me back to feeling badly about myself. Vicious circle.
The approval-seeker in me, ironically, never believes the good stuff. I have no problem, however, feeling like a terrible let-down of a human being when I don't get on with 1 person out of 25. It's my fault that someone doesn't like me, and obviously they are right! I hope they don't tell anyone else because then no one will want to be my friend anymore! Oh hi there, Anxiety. Thanks for bringing your bestie, Depression, with you!
So how do I respond to this? Well, I push people away so that they can't hurt me, of course! Anxiety becomes paranoia, which leads to accusations or saying things I don't really mean, thus becoming the person that that first guy (who I honestly probably didn't like in the first place) said I was or thought I was. Then I have to put my tail between my legs and apologize, hoping my real friends, who I mistreated, will understand and forgive me.
Sigh. It's all so exhausting.
But here is the good news... to know better is to do better, and admitting that you have a problem is the first step to recovery. I have already begun to work on these issues... I know my triggers and am trying to deal with them as best I can. The most important part is to step outside of the problem and look at it and analyze it. Ask "how does this really impact me?" and "what would be the best response to this?" I am learning to slow down and not react immediately, which is really hard for me to do, so if you have ever been a target of this, or are in the future, please know how very sorry I am and that I am working to change.
2015 is going to be the year of letting go. I know that all of this anxiety stems from one situation in my life that I have clung to for the last 35 years. It's a crutch that needs to be kicked out from underneath me and burned. It's based on a lie that I created in my head at a very young age and took responsibility to fix, even though it was never my problem in the first place. I know that once I can fight it and kill it, it will no longer hold me back from everything that I am meant to accomplish and the happiness that I deserve (because we ALL deserve happiness).
And that begins my path to being the person I truly want to be, not the one I assigned to myself out of fear, self-hate, and blame for something that is not mine to take.
I know I'm not the only one. May my very public way of beginning the battle be empowering to you and help you start to reckon with your own beasts.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Children
So many people have asked us over the years why we don't have any children yet. We always joke about it, and we know our tolerances run low, but for me, the fact is, I know that when I make an impact on 1 child as a teacher, through them I impact their children and their grandchildren... and so on, through many generations.
I have been told that not having children makes me selfish. Not having children doesn't make me selfish. Not having children allows me to give more of myself to greater numbers. Does that sound arrogant? It's not meant to be. I watch and listen to my colleagues who juggle being a wife, mother, and teacher (and all of the roles that being a teacher encompasses), and so often they are tired and stretched. Their loyalties are split, because make no mistake, teachers ARE loyal to their students, but they are also loyal to their families. I see them struggle to want to be there 100% for their students (YOUR children), and still have the time and energy to be a great mom and wife. I know that during the first month of school, I come home so exhausted that poor Jason is lucky to get a few words out of me before I collapse in to bed. I truly do not know how teachers with families do it!
Anyway, all of this brings me to what I am calling a mid-life crisis, though I don't know that it really is/was.
For many years I have dreamed of starting a school, but I have feared failure. I have also feared that I wanted it for the wrong reasons. I don't want to base a dream on saying f-you to people who didn't hire me, didn't believe in me, etc. But that's all changed. I was looking for a direction, and I found it, and it goes back to a saying that I have heard and, admittedly, have rolled my eyes at...
Be the change you want to see in the world. --Gandhi
I was watching Oprah's surprise finale, and Madonna was speaking on how Oprah's school for girls in Africa inspired her to open her own school for girls in Malawi, and I found myself asking, why we don't have these kinds of schools here in America? Don't we want to teach our girls that they can run the world? Don't we want our girls to be great leaders and teachers? Why can't someone open a school for OUR girls?
Wait.
Someone CAN! In fact, I know someone with the training and the drive to do just that. ME!
And so the journey has begun! I have signed up for a class next week to learn how to write a charter, and I have started researching. This is going to happen! And for the right reasons. :)
To make an impact. That is the legacy I wish for.
I have been told that not having children makes me selfish. Not having children doesn't make me selfish. Not having children allows me to give more of myself to greater numbers. Does that sound arrogant? It's not meant to be. I watch and listen to my colleagues who juggle being a wife, mother, and teacher (and all of the roles that being a teacher encompasses), and so often they are tired and stretched. Their loyalties are split, because make no mistake, teachers ARE loyal to their students, but they are also loyal to their families. I see them struggle to want to be there 100% for their students (YOUR children), and still have the time and energy to be a great mom and wife. I know that during the first month of school, I come home so exhausted that poor Jason is lucky to get a few words out of me before I collapse in to bed. I truly do not know how teachers with families do it!
Anyway, all of this brings me to what I am calling a mid-life crisis, though I don't know that it really is/was.
For many years I have dreamed of starting a school, but I have feared failure. I have also feared that I wanted it for the wrong reasons. I don't want to base a dream on saying f-you to people who didn't hire me, didn't believe in me, etc. But that's all changed. I was looking for a direction, and I found it, and it goes back to a saying that I have heard and, admittedly, have rolled my eyes at...
Be the change you want to see in the world. --Gandhi
I was watching Oprah's surprise finale, and Madonna was speaking on how Oprah's school for girls in Africa inspired her to open her own school for girls in Malawi, and I found myself asking, why we don't have these kinds of schools here in America? Don't we want to teach our girls that they can run the world? Don't we want our girls to be great leaders and teachers? Why can't someone open a school for OUR girls?
Wait.
Someone CAN! In fact, I know someone with the training and the drive to do just that. ME!
And so the journey has begun! I have signed up for a class next week to learn how to write a charter, and I have started researching. This is going to happen! And for the right reasons. :)
To make an impact. That is the legacy I wish for.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
On Being a Teacher
If I could share this with the person who most needs to read it, I would. Unfortunately, that person would not take this feedback well, but I feel it needs to be said, nonetheless.
First of all, just graduating from college was a big f-ing deal for me. I am not a great student -- I have ADHD, I get bored and distracted easily, and I never learned to study. I hate reading textbooks because it takes me many re-reads to totally process what is being said, and I cannot memorize much -- other than 100s of 80s lyrics. Priorities, you know. But dammit, I did it. I graduated, and I am THIS CLOSE to graduating with a Master's degree, too. It's been a costly road, filled with tears and frustration and insecurity, but I got here. I am proud of that.
I am passionate about my work. I didn't begin that way -- some people are born knowing they want to be teachers, I was never that person, but I found my way to this career, this calling. Certainly I didn't enter into this looking to make my fortune. In fact, I didn't really know what I wanted. I was a writer, wanting to follow that path, but, truthfully, scared of the competition and the struggles I knew I would have to endure. I am a creature who seeks stability and routine. The world of being a writer, the kind of writer I wanted to be, did not have those luxuries to offer. So what do you do with half a comm degree and two more years of school? Teach, of course.
I admit it -- I was cocky about it. How hard could it be, right? The kids HAD to listen to me, and I'm smarter than them, so this would be easy. My first experience was in a 9th grade English class. A little Romeo and Juliet, a little writing... easy. Well, no, actually. I guess I forgot that I was NOT fun as a 9th grader, didn't want to be in school, and had an attitude bigger than my heavily Aqua-netted bangs. By the time I had my first classroom full of elementary kids, I was smart enough to be terrified, and terrified enough to forget EVERYTHING I'd supposedly learned.
Fifteen years later, the job is not easy. I have found a stride, methodology, a style that fits me, but it is NOT easy. Not by any stretch. The expectations of parents, of the government, of administration, have all changed and increased every year, but our resources have not. They have, in fact, dwindled. They are not meeting the needs of every kid. There are far too many choices that make curriculum companies a WHOLE LOT of money, and yet offer solutions only for a set few. And before everyone assumes I am talking about money, I will say right now that money doesn't solve all problems. It can help, but at the end of the day, an ineffective teacher with the best curriculum materials money can buy is still ineffective. What makes me a good teacher, what makes me worth so much more than what I get (not just money!), is the fact that all I need is a willing learner to be a good teacher. My colleagues are the same. Getting 20-30 kids to listen and do the same thing at the same time is no easy task, but add to it that we are judged based on how they test on an arbitrary standardized test, and you are talking about a situation where my livelihood and the livelihoods of my colleagues are pretty much out of our own hands.
OK -- did you get all that? 'Cause now I am moving to my real point! ;)
So this week is TEACHER appreciation week. My administrator, who was once a teacher, has made a point of referring to it as STAFF appreciation week. Honestly, it really bothers me. First, on the most basic level, it pisses me off to be lumped in with "staff," when I have worked hard to get to where I am. I paid my tuition, I did my time in undergrad, I worked my ass off to get a 4.0 in my Master's classes, and yet I am simply part of the "staff," including secretaries, custodians, and cafeteria folks. Now please do not misunderstand. My mother was a secretary for many years. She supported us on her very tiny salary, and she brought me up to be a woman with strong beliefs, someone who values education a great deal. I do not seek to demean her hard work, nor the work of others. But, hey... there is a nationally recognized "Boss Day." There is a nationally recognized "Secretaries Day." In my school district we have a classified employees day... para-pro week... everyone gets their recognition. Except teachers. We have to share our week with the rest of the STAFF. But what if all of the teachers disappeared from our schools? Would we need the rest of the STAFF anymore? Would clean buildings or freshly prepared lunches make a difference were it not for the teachers? As I said above, give me a willing learner and I can teach! The rest is nice, but not necessary.
I have a colleague who shares my frustration, and as I told her today, I feel like this seemingly simple word change from TEACHER to STAFF illustrates how the American society treats educators. We are professionals, not unlike doctors, lawyers, nurses, and all of the others who go through formal training. We go through testing, we are licensed, and no, not just anyone can be a teacher. Just ask the 1/3 of all new teachers who quit within the first 5 years. And this is how we treat ourselves! Our own people, the folks who were just in the trenches themselves, reduce our one week of TEACHER appreciation to STAFF appreciation. If this is what we model to society, then why should they do any more themselves? Why should they see us as any different then those people who answer the phones and make lunches?
All of this is to simply say that it does take a village. Truly. And that every person who works in a school, in education in general, is important. However, please please please take the time to REALLY thank teachers. That doesn't mean buying stuff or formal presentations... that means saying thank you, being friendly, trusting their judgement, and being respectful of the hard work and dedication it takes to be a teacher. I always joke that it takes a very special breed of person to be a Kinder teacher, but the truth is, it takes a special breed of person to be a TEACHER. Period. Please respect that, and remember that becoming a teacher is a choice, not a consolation prize.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
What it means to be a BRAVE GIRL
I’ve spent most of my 38 years feeling broken. My parents split when I was 7. Before that, I had always been a daddy’s girl. I idolized my dad, he was everything to me. When my parents split, though, he didn’t make much effort to see me. At first it was once a month, then once every few months, then a card on my birthday… by the time I was 10, I rarely heard from him at all. When I was in high school I reconnected with him for a little bit because I walked past his house everyday on the way home from school — I found that out when I was walking home and saw him mowing the lawn, but he moved out of the house within a year, and disappeared again. I didn’t talk to him, hear from him.. nothing. he just disappeared.
My life went on… I went away to college, got a degree, met my husband and got married, moved around the country a bit, and finally settled in Denver, where we’ve been for the last 10 years. A few months ago I got a message on Facebook from my stepbrother. He told me my dad was very ill and had been searching for my half-brother and me for a long time. He wanted to talk to us both soon, not knowing how long he was going to be alive.
That was really difficult. I have spent my entire life feeling like something was wrong with me because my own father didn’t want anything to do with me. I have lived my life always trying to please others in order to feel some level of approval from someone…. anyone… so that I could feel whole again. It’s never worked. I live this life of desperately trying to make others like me, while keeping them at a distance so that they can never hurt me the way my father hurt me. It’s a hard life to live because there is never any balance.
Anyway, it was then that I found Brave Girls. I signed up almost immediately for Soul Restoration and couldn’t wait to start! But I have spent the entire course feeling like I was lying to myself and everyone else about being brave because I couldn’t bring myself to talk to my dad. I was so afraid that he would tell me I wasn’t worth the time, or that he would suck me in again, only to abandon me all over again. I was living in constant fear, but also jealousy, because I knew my brother was having conversations with our father and was working through their issues.
But I finally feel BRAVE!!! First, I came to realization during week 1 of Soul Restoration that I have a pretty awesome life, and that I have done some amazing things, and he missed out. It was his CHOICE to miss out, not mine. Second, during week 2 I sat down and wrote him a letter. By the time I was done, it was 3, single-spaced, typed pages that not only told him how I felt my entire life because of his crappy choices, but also all about everything he has missed out on because of it. And Sunday, feeling the bravest I have ever felt, I called him. I was terrified at first, but we spoke for nearly an hour, and it was quite good. In fact, the call ended with him telling me that he loved me. And in that moment, I forgave. I will not forget, but I forgave him, and I forgave myself.
I was truly BRAVE.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Sunday Scribblings: A Thousand Years
In a thousand years, the only thing that will matter to me is the only thing that matters right now...
You and me.
The rest is all mundane detail.
You and me.
The rest is all mundane detail.
Sunday Scribblings: Food
I have been working on my relationship with food as of late. In the beginning, we had so much fun together. We had this spontaneous, free relationship, but now it's so needy! It gets so angry with me when I spend too much time on the elliptical. But then, when I give it the attention it keeps bugging me about, it rolls over and ignores me, leaving me feeling bloated and lonely. I asked food to go to couple's counseling with me, but it refuses to get off the couch, and, instead, beckons me to snuggle with it and watch Golden Girls. I dunno... I thought I loved food, but the less I see of it, the better I feel. What would food say if I told it we needed to take a break because I needed some space?
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday Scribblings: Safe
OK -- really?? Who is over at Sunday Scribblings that can read my mind lately?
This week's topic is "safe." Oh boy... this entry is for my fellow Brave Girls.
I have never felt safe in a relationship. I have had one, unconditional, "safe" relationship in my entire life -- with my grandparents. Every other relationship has always felt like it has had some strings attached. Most of those strings are probably perceived, but that isn't really helpful in my mind.
Without getting into the blame part of it, and where this fear comes from, the most important part of this lesson is that because I never feel 100% safe, it is 100% impossible for me to both trust completely, and forgive completely. And forget? Uhm, no. I don't think so. Due to these fears I am really adept at self sabotage. When I feel like someone is getting too close, I push them away, all without my own knowledge. I realize it after the fact, of course, but then it's often too late. The fact that poor Jason has been through this process an uncountable number of times, and is still here, is a testament to either his capacity for love, or his love of self punishment.
Within the Brave Girl process is a process of forgiveness -- both of self and of others. But I am finding it SO HARD to forgive others without first hearing some level of an admittance of guilt. Of course, in most cases, this is never going to happen, but I am glued to this feeling of "you don't deserve my forgiveness if you can't at least admit wrong-doing." I am not sure how to get past this. I know that until I can get past it, let it all go, that I will never be able to forgive, which means all of this life stuff is just going to follow me around.
Safety. I don't know what that feels like. But I long for it. Somewhere besides the confines of my own head, it must exist for me somewhere.
This week's topic is "safe." Oh boy... this entry is for my fellow Brave Girls.
I have never felt safe in a relationship. I have had one, unconditional, "safe" relationship in my entire life -- with my grandparents. Every other relationship has always felt like it has had some strings attached. Most of those strings are probably perceived, but that isn't really helpful in my mind.
Without getting into the blame part of it, and where this fear comes from, the most important part of this lesson is that because I never feel 100% safe, it is 100% impossible for me to both trust completely, and forgive completely. And forget? Uhm, no. I don't think so. Due to these fears I am really adept at self sabotage. When I feel like someone is getting too close, I push them away, all without my own knowledge. I realize it after the fact, of course, but then it's often too late. The fact that poor Jason has been through this process an uncountable number of times, and is still here, is a testament to either his capacity for love, or his love of self punishment.
Within the Brave Girl process is a process of forgiveness -- both of self and of others. But I am finding it SO HARD to forgive others without first hearing some level of an admittance of guilt. Of course, in most cases, this is never going to happen, but I am glued to this feeling of "you don't deserve my forgiveness if you can't at least admit wrong-doing." I am not sure how to get past this. I know that until I can get past it, let it all go, that I will never be able to forgive, which means all of this life stuff is just going to follow me around.
Safety. I don't know what that feels like. But I long for it. Somewhere besides the confines of my own head, it must exist for me somewhere.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Sunday Scribblings: Eternity
I feel like I have spent an eternity being the person other people have wanted or expected me to be. Not every moment, mind you, but enough that the real me has become a muddied version of reality and expectations. In fact, I am finding through the Brave Girl process that when you spend so much time trying to be everything to everyone, you forget yourself. I have spent so much of my life thinking that the loss I have experienced was my own fault, and that I somehow deserved it. I have devalued my self, my authentic self, to try to be what others want me to be, and I am left asking myself the all-important question of, "why?"
It has taken me this long, 30+ years, to realize, and start to truly believe, that none of it was my fault or my burden to bear. And now I mourn the time I have spent trying to be someone I am not. I mourn the time I spent worrying and believing that I wasn't worth the happiness or gifts that life has presented to me.
But my eternity is about to change.
First, I have allowed a certain person in my life WAY too much power. I have allowed them to define my value in a particular portion of my life, and I am taking that power away. I am, in fact, walking away as soon as I can, so that person no longer has any power, perceived or real, in my life ever again. That was a tough decision because it means being confronted with certain consequences, but it is my belief that the consequences will be healthier and easier to face than the day-to-day doubt that currently confronts me at every turn.
I believe I am ready for a new chapter in my eternity. And I believe my eternity will be as close to happily ever after as it can be.
It has taken me this long, 30+ years, to realize, and start to truly believe, that none of it was my fault or my burden to bear. And now I mourn the time I have spent trying to be someone I am not. I mourn the time I spent worrying and believing that I wasn't worth the happiness or gifts that life has presented to me.
But my eternity is about to change.
First, I have allowed a certain person in my life WAY too much power. I have allowed them to define my value in a particular portion of my life, and I am taking that power away. I am, in fact, walking away as soon as I can, so that person no longer has any power, perceived or real, in my life ever again. That was a tough decision because it means being confronted with certain consequences, but it is my belief that the consequences will be healthier and easier to face than the day-to-day doubt that currently confronts me at every turn.
I believe I am ready for a new chapter in my eternity. And I believe my eternity will be as close to happily ever after as it can be.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Soul Restoration Week 2
This week's project for BGs is a timeline of our lives. I also started my timeline last night. I honestly just glued down the timeline itself, and while it dried, wrote down all of the "things" that I want to mark as an important event in my life.
First, I felt overwhelmed with the thought of trying to come up with a bunch of important events that have shaped me as a person. I thought, "Events? I only have a couple really horrific events, and that's about all..." But then, as I started writing, more and more bubbled to the surface, and I realized how much good has also happened. In fact, my guess (without looking at the list and matching it all up) is that for every hurt I listed, there was also a celebration -- maybe connected, maybe not, but at least the ratio was 1:1.
So then I got to thinking... why is it that when I think of who I am, I always think to the negative? Abandonment... abuse... neglect... pain in every sense of the word. Why doesn't my brain remember of all of the GOOD things? Why am I so eager to own the pain, and look past the light? And don't say "human nature," because I don't buy that.
My head says that good and bad are even, and to be happy because it should all even out in the end, but my heart says that the bad stuff was SO BAD that it would take double the happy, or more, to truly even out. Sigh. And, of course, some of the "bad" turned in to a blessing in disguise, but not until much later.
I suppose this is why reflection is so important... to take stock and learn and marvel at all that we've learned in our lives. But, as a wise woman once said, I think people should leave their livestock alone.
On that note... happy weekend, everyone.
First, I felt overwhelmed with the thought of trying to come up with a bunch of important events that have shaped me as a person. I thought, "Events? I only have a couple really horrific events, and that's about all..." But then, as I started writing, more and more bubbled to the surface, and I realized how much good has also happened. In fact, my guess (without looking at the list and matching it all up) is that for every hurt I listed, there was also a celebration -- maybe connected, maybe not, but at least the ratio was 1:1.
So then I got to thinking... why is it that when I think of who I am, I always think to the negative? Abandonment... abuse... neglect... pain in every sense of the word. Why doesn't my brain remember of all of the GOOD things? Why am I so eager to own the pain, and look past the light? And don't say "human nature," because I don't buy that.
My head says that good and bad are even, and to be happy because it should all even out in the end, but my heart says that the bad stuff was SO BAD that it would take double the happy, or more, to truly even out. Sigh. And, of course, some of the "bad" turned in to a blessing in disguise, but not until much later.
I suppose this is why reflection is so important... to take stock and learn and marvel at all that we've learned in our lives. But, as a wise woman once said, I think people should leave their livestock alone.
On that note... happy weekend, everyone.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Sunday Scribblings: A Walk in the Park
Ugh.
I'm not a fan of this topic. Lemme just start there.
I'm not going the literal route here (though let's be honest, walking = exercise, so I am morally opposed to it) rather, I am going the idiom route... when something is easy, it is "a walk in the park." Or something.
I'm frustrated with myself. Back in college and high school, words used to flow so easily (a walk in the park...). I used to be able to journal for hours, make all sorts of vivid connections... now I struggle. I suppose it's like anything else, practice would help, and the more I do it, the easier it would become, but it leaves me feeling like I don't have an interesting word to say.
Actually, the bigger problem is that my trust was violated a few years ago on a different incarnation of this blog, so it leaves me concerned with saying too much, being too open. Yes, I get that one should not post private thoughts on the web... that's not what it was about... it was more about someone reading what I had written and twisting it for their benefit.
Anyway, I would like writing to again be a walk in the park for me. I would like it to be a release, rather than a job. Any advice besides practice makes perfect? :)
I'm not a fan of this topic. Lemme just start there.
I'm not going the literal route here (though let's be honest, walking = exercise, so I am morally opposed to it) rather, I am going the idiom route... when something is easy, it is "a walk in the park." Or something.
I'm frustrated with myself. Back in college and high school, words used to flow so easily (a walk in the park...). I used to be able to journal for hours, make all sorts of vivid connections... now I struggle. I suppose it's like anything else, practice would help, and the more I do it, the easier it would become, but it leaves me feeling like I don't have an interesting word to say.
Actually, the bigger problem is that my trust was violated a few years ago on a different incarnation of this blog, so it leaves me concerned with saying too much, being too open. Yes, I get that one should not post private thoughts on the web... that's not what it was about... it was more about someone reading what I had written and twisting it for their benefit.
Anyway, I would like writing to again be a walk in the park for me. I would like it to be a release, rather than a job. Any advice besides practice makes perfect? :)
Sunday Scribblings: Invisible
I would bet that most people, given the power of invisibility, would spy on friends, family, co-workers, in order to gain information for their own gain. I think that sounds like simple human nature.
Right now, given that power, I would use it to be at one with myself. There is just so much noise in my life right now, some many directions to be pulled, so many hands out begging for my time, money, interest... given the ability, I'd hole up for a few days and just be alone with my thoughts and craft room. That is how I would make a difference for myself. Simple, selfish quiet.
To make a difference for others, I would wander the streets and quietly help those I could help. Maybe whisper words of encouragement into strangers' ears, or listen, truly listen, to what their needs are, and figure out a way to help them. In fact, I'd love to spend some time as the "voice" that lives on the shoulder of a few of my students, to help guide them and support them. So many of them seem to have no one who really pushes them towards greatness on a daily basis, no one to remind them that they are capable of anything if they simply try, no one in their corner, always rooting for them... but they have plenty of people to plop them on the couch to watch TV, or to shove a game controller in their hands.
Does it make me boring that I don't have the ability to come up with a grandiose plan for travel, or anything else? Right now I just crave the quiet and the time to help others the way I want to help, and not the way I am forced to help.
Right now, given that power, I would use it to be at one with myself. There is just so much noise in my life right now, some many directions to be pulled, so many hands out begging for my time, money, interest... given the ability, I'd hole up for a few days and just be alone with my thoughts and craft room. That is how I would make a difference for myself. Simple, selfish quiet.
To make a difference for others, I would wander the streets and quietly help those I could help. Maybe whisper words of encouragement into strangers' ears, or listen, truly listen, to what their needs are, and figure out a way to help them. In fact, I'd love to spend some time as the "voice" that lives on the shoulder of a few of my students, to help guide them and support them. So many of them seem to have no one who really pushes them towards greatness on a daily basis, no one to remind them that they are capable of anything if they simply try, no one in their corner, always rooting for them... but they have plenty of people to plop them on the couch to watch TV, or to shove a game controller in their hands.
Does it make me boring that I don't have the ability to come up with a grandiose plan for travel, or anything else? Right now I just crave the quiet and the time to help others the way I want to help, and not the way I am forced to help.
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