Children

So many people have asked us over the years why we don't have any children yet. We always joke about it, and we know our tolerances run low, but for me, the fact is, I know that when I make an impact on 1 child as a teacher, through them I impact their children and their grandchildren... and so on, through many generations.

I have been told that not having children makes me selfish. Not having children doesn't make me selfish. Not having children allows me to give more of myself to greater numbers. Does that sound arrogant? It's not meant to be. I watch and listen to my colleagues who juggle being a wife, mother, and teacher (and all of the roles that being a teacher encompasses), and so often they are tired and stretched. Their loyalties are split, because make no mistake, teachers ARE loyal to their students, but they are also loyal to their families. I see them struggle to want to be there 100% for their students (YOUR children), and still have the time and energy to be a great mom and wife. I know that during the first month of school, I come home so exhausted that poor Jason is lucky to get a few words out of me before I collapse in to bed. I truly do not know how teachers with families do it!

Anyway, all of this brings me to what I am calling a mid-life crisis, though I don't know that it really is/was.

For many years I have dreamed of starting a school, but I have feared failure. I have also feared that I wanted it for the wrong reasons. I don't want to base a dream on saying f-you to people who didn't hire me, didn't believe in me, etc. But that's all changed. I was looking for a direction, and I found it, and it goes back to a saying that I have heard and, admittedly, have rolled my eyes at...

Be the change you want to see in the world. --Gandhi

I was watching Oprah's surprise finale, and Madonna was speaking on how Oprah's school for girls in Africa inspired her to open her own school for girls in Malawi, and I found myself asking, why we don't have these kinds of schools here in America? Don't we want to teach our girls that they can run the world? Don't we want our girls to be great leaders and teachers? Why can't someone open a school for OUR girls?

Wait.

Someone CAN! In fact, I know someone with the training and the drive to do just that. ME!

And so the journey has begun! I have signed up for a class next week to learn how to write a charter, and I have started researching. This is going to happen! And for the right reasons. :)

To make an impact. That is the legacy I wish for.

On Being a Teacher

If I could share this with the person who most needs to read it, I would. Unfortunately, that person would not take this feedback well, but I feel it needs to be said, nonetheless.

First of all, just graduating from college was a big f-ing deal for me. I am not a great student -- I have ADHD, I get bored and distracted easily, and I never learned to study. I hate reading textbooks because it takes me many re-reads to totally process what is being said, and I cannot memorize much -- other than 100s of 80s lyrics. Priorities, you know. But dammit, I did it. I graduated, and I am THIS CLOSE to graduating with a Master's degree, too. It's been a costly road, filled with tears and frustration and insecurity, but I got here. I am proud of that.

I am passionate about my work. I didn't begin that way -- some people are born knowing they want to be teachers, I was never that person, but I found my way to this career, this calling. Certainly I didn't enter into this looking to make my fortune. In fact, I didn't really know what I wanted. I was a writer, wanting to follow that path, but, truthfully, scared of the competition and the struggles I knew I would have to endure. I am a creature who seeks stability and routine. The world of being a writer, the kind of writer I wanted to be, did not have those luxuries to offer. So what do you do with half a comm degree and two more years of school? Teach, of course.

I admit it -- I was cocky about it. How hard could it be, right? The kids HAD to listen to me, and I'm smarter than them, so this would be easy. My first experience was in a 9th grade English class. A little Romeo and Juliet, a little writing... easy. Well, no, actually. I guess I forgot that I was NOT fun as a 9th grader, didn't want to be in school, and had an attitude bigger than my heavily Aqua-netted bangs. By the time I had my first classroom full of elementary kids, I was smart enough to be terrified, and terrified enough to forget EVERYTHING I'd supposedly learned.

Fifteen years later, the job is not easy. I have found a stride, methodology, a style that fits me, but it is NOT easy. Not by any stretch. The expectations of parents, of the government, of administration, have all changed and increased every year, but our resources have not. They have, in fact, dwindled. They are not meeting the needs of every kid. There are far too many choices that make curriculum companies a WHOLE LOT of money, and yet offer solutions only for a set few. And before everyone assumes I am talking about money, I will say right now that money doesn't solve all problems. It can help, but at the end of the day, an ineffective teacher with the best curriculum materials money can buy is still ineffective. What makes me a good teacher, what makes me worth so much more than what I get (not just money!), is the fact that all I need is a willing learner to be a good teacher. My colleagues are the same. Getting 20-30 kids to listen and do the same thing at the same time is no easy task, but add to it that we are judged based on how they test on an arbitrary standardized test, and you are talking about a situation where my livelihood and the livelihoods of my colleagues are pretty much out of our own hands.

OK -- did you get all that? 'Cause now I am moving to my real point! ;)

So this week is TEACHER appreciation week. My administrator, who was once a teacher, has made a point of referring to it as STAFF appreciation week. Honestly, it really bothers me. First, on the most basic level, it pisses me off to be lumped in with "staff," when I have worked hard to get to where I am. I paid my tuition, I did my time in undergrad, I worked my ass off to get a 4.0 in my Master's classes, and yet I am simply part of the "staff," including secretaries, custodians, and cafeteria folks. Now please do not misunderstand. My mother was a secretary for many years. She supported us on her very tiny salary, and she brought me up to be a woman with strong beliefs, someone who values education a great deal. I do not seek to demean her hard work, nor the work of others. But, hey... there is a nationally recognized "Boss Day." There is a nationally recognized "Secretaries Day." In my school district we have a classified employees day... para-pro week... everyone gets their recognition. Except teachers. We have to share our week with the rest of the STAFF. But what if all of the teachers disappeared from our schools? Would we need the rest of the STAFF anymore? Would clean buildings or freshly prepared lunches make a difference were it not for the teachers? As I said above, give me a willing learner and I can teach! The rest is nice, but not necessary.

I have a colleague who shares my frustration, and as I told her today, I feel like this seemingly simple word change from TEACHER to STAFF illustrates how the American society treats educators. We are professionals, not unlike doctors, lawyers, nurses, and all of the others who go through formal training. We go through testing, we are licensed, and no, not just anyone can be a teacher. Just ask the 1/3 of all new teachers who quit within the first 5 years. And this is how we treat ourselves! Our own people, the folks who were just in the trenches themselves, reduce our one week of TEACHER appreciation to STAFF appreciation. If this is what we model to society, then why should they do any more themselves? Why should they see us as any different then those people who answer the phones and make lunches?

All of this is to simply say that it does take a village. Truly. And that every person who works in a school, in education in general, is important. However, please please please take the time to REALLY thank teachers. That doesn't mean buying stuff or formal presentations... that means saying thank you, being friendly, trusting their judgement, and being respectful of the hard work and dedication it takes to be a teacher. I always joke that it takes a very special breed of person to be a Kinder teacher, but the truth is, it takes a special breed of person to be a TEACHER. Period. Please respect that, and remember that becoming a teacher is a choice, not a consolation prize.

What it means to be a BRAVE GIRL

I’ve spent most of my 38 years feeling broken. My parents split when I was 7. Before that, I had always been a daddy’s girl. I idolized my dad, he was everything to me. When my parents split, though, he didn’t make much effort to see me. At first it was once a month, then once every few months, then a card on my birthday… by the time I was 10, I rarely heard from him at all. When I was in high school I reconnected with him for a little bit because I walked past his house everyday on the way home from school — I found that out when I was walking home and saw him mowing the lawn, but he moved out of the house within a year, and disappeared again. I didn’t talk to him, hear from him.. nothing. he just disappeared.

My life went on… I went away to college, got a degree, met my husband and got married, moved around the country a bit, and finally settled in Denver, where we’ve been for the last 10 years. A few months ago I got a message on Facebook from my stepbrother. He told me my dad was very ill and had been searching for my half-brother and me for a long time. He wanted to talk to us both soon, not knowing how long he was going to be alive.

That was really difficult. I have spent my entire life feeling like something was wrong with me because my own father didn’t want anything to do with me. I have lived my life always trying to please others in order to feel some level of approval from someone…. anyone… so that I could feel whole again. It’s never worked. I live this life of desperately trying to make others like me, while keeping them at a distance so that they can never hurt me the way my father hurt me. It’s a hard life to live because there is never any balance.

Anyway, it was then that I found Brave Girls. I signed up almost immediately for Soul Restoration and couldn’t wait to start! But I have spent the entire course feeling like I was lying to myself and everyone else about being brave because I couldn’t bring myself to talk to my dad. I was so afraid that he would tell me I wasn’t worth the time, or that he would suck me in again, only to abandon me all over again. I was living in constant fear, but also jealousy, because I knew my brother was having conversations with our father and was working through their issues.

But I finally feel BRAVE!!! First, I came to realization during week 1 of Soul Restoration that I have a pretty awesome life, and that I have done some amazing things, and he missed out. It was his CHOICE to miss out, not mine. Second, during week 2 I sat down and wrote him a letter. By the time I was done, it was 3, single-spaced, typed pages that not only told him how I felt my entire life because of his crappy choices, but also all about everything he has missed out on because of it. And Sunday, feeling the bravest I have ever felt, I called him. I was terrified at first, but we spoke for nearly an hour, and it was quite good. In fact, the call ended with him telling me that he loved me. And in that moment, I forgave. I will not forget, but I forgave him, and I forgave myself.

I was truly BRAVE.

Sunday Scribblings: A Thousand Years

In a thousand years, the only thing that will matter to me is the only thing that matters right now...

You and me.

The rest is all mundane detail.

Sunday Scribblings: Food

I have been working on my relationship with food as of late. In the beginning, we had so much fun together. We had this spontaneous, free relationship, but now it's so needy! It gets so angry with me when I spend too much time on the elliptical. But then, when I give it the attention it keeps bugging me about, it rolls over and ignores me, leaving me feeling bloated and lonely. I asked food to go to couple's counseling with me, but it refuses to get off the couch, and, instead, beckons me to snuggle with it and watch Golden Girls. I dunno... I thought I loved food, but the less I see of it, the better I feel. What would food say if I told it we needed to take a break because I needed some space?

Sunday Scribblings: Safe

OK -- really?? Who is over at Sunday Scribblings that can read my mind lately?

This week's topic is "safe." Oh boy... this entry is for my fellow Brave Girls.

I have never felt safe in a relationship. I have had one, unconditional, "safe" relationship in my entire life -- with my grandparents. Every other relationship has always felt like it has had some strings attached. Most of those strings are probably perceived, but that isn't really helpful in my mind.

Without getting into the blame part of it, and where this fear comes from, the most important part of this lesson is that because I never feel 100% safe, it is 100% impossible for me to both trust completely, and forgive completely. And forget? Uhm, no. I don't think so. Due to these fears I am really adept at self sabotage. When I feel like someone is getting too close, I push them away, all without my own knowledge. I realize it after the fact, of course, but then it's often too late. The fact that poor Jason has been through this process an uncountable number of times, and is still here, is a testament to either his capacity for love, or his love of self punishment.

Within the Brave Girl process is a process of forgiveness -- both of self and of others. But I am finding it SO HARD to forgive others without first hearing some level of an admittance of guilt. Of course, in most cases, this is never going to happen, but I am glued to this feeling of "you don't deserve my forgiveness if you can't at least admit wrong-doing." I am not sure how to get past this. I know that until I can get past it, let it all go, that I will never be able to forgive, which means all of this life stuff is just going to follow me around.

Safety. I don't know what that feels like. But I long for it. Somewhere besides the confines of my own head, it must exist for me somewhere.

Sunday Scribblings: Eternity

I feel like I have spent an eternity being the person other people have wanted or expected me to be. Not every moment, mind you, but enough that the real me has become a muddied version of reality and expectations. In fact, I am finding through the Brave Girl process that when you spend so much time trying to be everything to everyone, you forget yourself. I have spent so much of my life thinking that the loss I have experienced was my own fault, and that I somehow deserved it. I have devalued my self, my authentic self, to try to be what others want me to be, and I am left asking myself the all-important question of, "why?"

It has taken me this long, 30+ years, to realize, and start to truly believe, that none of it was my fault or my burden to bear. And now I mourn the time I have spent trying to be someone I am not. I mourn the time I spent worrying and believing that I wasn't worth the happiness or gifts that life has presented to me.

But my eternity is about to change.

First, I have allowed a certain person in my life WAY too much power. I have allowed them to define my value in a particular portion of my life, and I am taking that power away. I am, in fact, walking away as soon as I can, so that person no longer has any power, perceived or real, in my life ever again. That was a tough decision because it means being confronted with certain consequences, but it is my belief that the consequences will be healthier and easier to face than the day-to-day doubt that currently confronts me at every turn.

I believe I am ready for a new chapter in my eternity. And I believe my eternity will be as close to happily ever after as it can be.

Soul Restoration Week 2

This week's project for BGs is a timeline of our lives. I also started my timeline last night. I honestly just glued down the timeline itself, and while it dried, wrote down all of the "things" that I want to mark as an important event in my life.

First, I felt overwhelmed with the thought of trying to come up with a bunch of important events that have shaped me as a person. I thought, "Events? I only have a couple really horrific events, and that's about all..." But then, as I started writing, more and more bubbled to the surface, and I realized how much good has also happened. In fact, my guess (without looking at the list and matching it all up) is that for every hurt I listed, there was also a celebration -- maybe connected, maybe not, but at least the ratio was 1:1.

So then I got to thinking... why is it that when I think of who I am, I always think to the negative? Abandonment... abuse... neglect... pain in every sense of the word. Why doesn't my brain remember of all of the GOOD things? Why am I so eager to own the pain, and look past the light? And don't say "human nature," because I don't buy that.

My head says that good and bad are even, and to be happy because it should all even out in the end, but my heart says that the bad stuff was SO BAD that it would take double the happy, or more, to truly even out. Sigh. And, of course, some of the "bad" turned in to a blessing in disguise, but not until much later.

I suppose this is why reflection is so important... to take stock and learn and marvel at all that we've learned in our lives. But, as a wise woman once said, I think people should leave their livestock alone.

On that note... happy weekend, everyone.

Sunday Scribblings: A Walk in the Park

Ugh.

I'm not a fan of this topic. Lemme just start there.

I'm not going the literal route here (though let's be honest, walking = exercise, so I am morally opposed to it) rather, I am going the idiom route... when something is easy, it is "a walk in the park." Or something.

I'm frustrated with myself. Back in college and high school, words used to flow so easily (a walk in the park...). I used to be able to journal for hours, make all sorts of vivid connections... now I struggle. I suppose it's like anything else, practice would help, and the more I do it, the easier it would become, but it leaves me feeling like I don't have an interesting word to say.

Actually, the bigger problem is that my trust was violated a few years ago on a different incarnation of this blog, so it leaves me concerned with saying too much, being too open. Yes, I get that one should not post private thoughts on the web... that's not what it was about... it was more about someone reading what I had written and twisting it for their benefit.

Anyway, I would like writing to again be a walk in the park for me. I would like it to be a release, rather than a job. Any advice besides practice makes perfect? :)

Sunday Scribblings: Invisible

I would bet that most people, given the power of invisibility, would spy on friends, family, co-workers, in order to gain information for their own gain. I think that sounds like simple human nature.

Right now, given that power, I would use it to be at one with myself. There is just so much noise in my life right now, some many directions to be pulled, so many hands out begging for my time, money, interest... given the ability, I'd hole up for a few days and just be alone with my thoughts and craft room. That is how I would make a difference for myself. Simple, selfish quiet.

To make a difference for others, I would wander the streets and quietly help those I could help. Maybe whisper words of encouragement into strangers' ears, or listen, truly listen, to what their needs are, and figure out a way to help them. In fact, I'd love to spend some time as the "voice" that lives on the shoulder of a few of my students, to help guide them and support them. So many of them seem to have no one who really pushes them towards greatness on a daily basis, no one to remind them that they are capable of anything if they simply try, no one in their corner, always rooting for them... but they have plenty of people to plop them on the couch to watch TV, or to shove a game controller in their hands.

Does it make me boring that I don't have the ability to come up with a grandiose plan for travel, or anything else? Right now I just crave the quiet and the time to help others the way I want to help, and not the way I am forced to help.

Time Flies...

Wow! The last 2 weeks have flown by, each day with me thinking I need to update as I drift off to sleep. Opps! Let's see...

Small Victories: Got my library card, found a ton of books to download to read. Did 2-page spread for my Brave Girls journal project. Spent time with an old friend. Exercised for 20 minutes 4 days this week.

Goals for Tomorrow: Do Sunday Scribblings, finish week 1 of Brave Girl projects, exercise 20+ minutes on elliptical.

Today I am most grateful for: my amazing, awesome, sweet husband

I have embarked on my Brave Girls Soul Restoration journey, and was beating myself up for not getting more done this week. I have been so tired when I get home in the evening that all I can pull myself together enough to do is my exercising. Nothing was getting done, creatively speaking. Also, the house needs cleaning, laundry needs to get done, the garage needs to be cleaned out so that we can both park in it... the list goes on. I was feeling overwhelmed, and when I feel overwhelmed, I just shut down. I don't know where to begin, what to focus on, so I just don't. Well, Jason asked me where I was in the BG process and I told him I wasn't. He asked me why and I explained to him how I was feeling. He told me that he is fine with taking on all of the household duties for the next 6 weeks (the length of the course) so that I can focus on me. How freeing that was! So he shooed me off to the craft room and I was able to make some sense of and progress on this week's projects. Yay! Pictures to come on my creative blog soon, but right now, I am just basking in the happiness of getting something accomplished.

There's No I in Team

Today's Small Victories: Took all of my medications today. Tried a new recipe for dinner, which turned out delicious! Drank less soda today, which is a big deal for me. Writing a blog post. :)

Goals for Tomorrow: Get a new library card so that I can download e-books locally, as well as audio books to listen to in the craft room.

Today I am most grateful for: my teammates

It was great to get back to school to see my teammates today. I feel so fortunate that we get along so well and laugh together as much as we do. It was great to quickly catch up on each others' two weeks. It also struck me how much easier it is to work together this year, after a year of uncertainty last year. A colleague came rushing through our hallway this morning, grumbling about having to get "so much" done on his own, and after he disappeared we all smiled at one another. You see, we decided to approach our task today as a group, making it easier and faster to complete. While everyone else went the course on their own, we leaned on each other, without words, and had a successful day.

In the world of teaching, we are so often alone -- behind the closed door of our classrooms to fend for ourselves. It's often lonely and difficult, but when you have a team who not only shares your struggles, but also wants to help you through them, you don't feel so alone anymore. Today I am so grateful to have a team who works hard, admits their struggles, and helps each other the way we do. I love you girls! :)

Sunday Scribblings: Progress

In reference to this week's Sunday Sribblings prompt...

Progress is one the hardest concepts for me to acknowledge in my life. I am very much an "immediate gratification" kind of girl, which is funny because I am also a pathological planner. Anyway, that concept of "making progress" towards a goal is never as gratifying as completion, which is probably why I can be quick to give up when something doesn't seem to be going the way I want it to go. Diets are a good example. Making progress can be so small, so seemingly insignificant, that it has always been easier to just give up... move on. I want to see huge changes quickly, in order to stay motivated. The rewards need to come faster. But I think what I often neglect to remember is that there is more to weight loss than a change in appearance. In fact, that *should* be the least of my concerns at this point. The greater reward comes in FEELING better, doing more, and feeling better about myself. This is where I will seek my progress this time. Besides wanting to reduce the number of meds I have to take, I want to feel better. I want to have energy to do more and to give more.

Check back every Sunday for more Sunday Scribblings.

2011

Resolutions are not my friends, typically. I see them as reasons for self-abuse, at least in my case, because I usually make them way too hard to achieve. What I find more helpful is to set goals and progress monitor myself daily or weekly. I do this a lot with my students in their areas of struggle. It helps to break down a problem and set mini-goals that are smaller victories, rather than to focus on a larger issue all at once. It’s also motivating to acknowledge small victories on a frequent basis, and reflect on minor setbacks, rather than mentally beat yourself up when you feel you have “failed.”

All of that being said, I also believe that it’s important to have larger, longer-term goals to work toward. These goals are usually much more abstract, and the smaller goals lead towards achieving the bigger goals. Confused yet? :)

My 2011 Goals:

1. Love more openly and unabashedly. Be more appreciative and show gratitude.

• Tell and show people how much they mean to me on a regular basis.
• Sincerely compliment those around me on a daily basis, beyond just their appearance. Acknowledge how they enhance my life, as well as the lives of others.
• Genuinely thank people for what they do for me and for my students.

2. Learn to love myself for who I am, and who I have the potential to become.

• Find and journal about my own small victories every day, no matter how great or small.
• Reflect on my goals daily. Celebrate and make changes when needed.

3. Change/work on several habits to improve my feelings about my appearance.

• Sit up/walk straighter.
• Avoid biting nails/cuticles.
• Workout in some way at least 5-days a week.
• Be consistent about taking my meds and testing my blood.
• Meet with nutritionist from KP.
• Stick to a meal plan based on our weekly menu.
• Read more books for pleasure, rather than for work.

4. Be creative/improve specific skills.

• Write/create something daily.
• Complete online course with Melody Ross in creativity.
• Learn to make homemade pasta.
• Find and refine a really good marinara recipe.

5. Learn to accept the limitations of others, rather than seek apologies or excuses. This one is quite personal, so I wish to keep it private for the time being.

6. Maintain a more orderly home/life for the sanity of both of us!

• Help Jason with the kitchen every night by unloading/loading dishwasher.
• Create and maintain a schedule for cleaning and laundry.
• Build weekly menus prior to shopping trips. Stick to the list!
• Eat out only 1-2 times per week at MOST.
• Limit extraneous spending so as to pay off as many bills as possible.