For the last few weeks, I have been feeling really meh, and for the last couple of days, I have also felt physically sick. It's amazing how much power the mind has over the body... I mean, I legit had some issues today (yesterday) with acid reflux, even though I take something for it daily, but I know part of it is all the stuff that is weighing on my mind.
First, this whole mess of living in a village for businesses is really stressful. I have too many people breathing down my neck about us being a retail store with regular hours, etc. I've been placing a lot of value on their comments, but no more. We're closed for the foreseeable future, and the money that was going to be spent down there, taking down walls and re-routing electricity and such, is going to be spent in our apartment instead. I can't continue to live with three floors of utter chaos, and it's been 5 years since we moved in... we spent a bit of time in the beginning sprucing the place up, but then spent the vast majority of time and money on the main floor. No more. I want our home to be comfortable, pretty, and exactly what we want it to be. I don't want to settle anymore.
We're picking tile, and other flooring, doing all new moldings, and painting doors and such to transform this 70s apartment into a proper modern farmhouse. Yay! We will finally be upgrading our used oven, whose numbers you can't even read anymore and whose heat is totally random, and we will upgrade our hand-me-down microwave that takes double the time to heat anything. I'm going to actually USE all the vintage linens I have been collecting (GASP!) to make curtains and other things to use throughout the house, and I want to create a gallery wall in our dining space, and repaint some furniture that has been in need for quite some time.
Meanwhile, we have found a great contractor who is reasonably priced and highly-skilled. He's going to do some work in our bathroom, arguably the worst room of the house at the moment, before we set him loose on the main floor demo. He has a great plan of attack for that space, so I'm excited to see what he does.
All of this has brought me such peace of mind. My anxiety about how everything was going to work out in terms of rebuilding the store space and reopening to appease our neighbors was making me sick. I just want to forget about all of that for now, focus on our home, and use my studio for what it is meant to be -- a studio. No set hours, no nothing. I can use some of the space for taking photos of my work to post etsy on and on my eventual website, I can use some of the space for a filming area to film my online classes, and I can spread out as much as I want without having to worry that a customer is going to see my mess. When it's time to tear up that space, we will know. For now, I am happy to be more INTENTIONAL with what I am choosing to do. ;)
Friday, January 31, 2020
Tuesday, January 28, 2020
Aaaaaand we're back.
My therapist, as well as several friends and J have all suggested I go back to journaling in some form. So here we are. I don't like pencil/paper journaling anymore because my carpal tunnel makes it difficult to write for any length of time, and this is easy and seems natural...
Going into 2020 I had a bunch of goals. So many that when January 1 finally hit, I felt incredibly overwhelmed and froze in place. But they are important goals, so I'm going to brain dump them here.
Spend time, every day, working on my physical health
1. exercise/move for 20-30 minutes daily
2. take all meds every day
3. track food consumed in an app to track calories and be more accountable re: what I eat
4. drink more water and less Coke Zero
5. meal plan and eat at home more often
6. take my blood sugar and record it at least once per day
7. reduce overall carb intake - fewer than 90 for a while, then fewer than 60 per day
8. stop eating after 8PM
9. to bed by midnight
10. awake by 9AM
11. work with diabetic coach as prescribed by Dr. D
Spend time, every day, working on my mental health:
1. journal daily, even if it's just a brain dump
2. meditate daily for at least 5 minutes using Calm app
3. read and/or work in my mental health books
4. chat with M or J weekly about what I am reading/learning
5. reduce the time I spend on Facebook
6. stick to routine visits with Dr. A and Abi
Word of the year: INTENTION
1. plan my week on Sunday evenings using my calendar(s) and Daily Agenda paper
2. make big decisions after sleeping on them - discuss them with J to get feedback
3. have plans/vision for everything I purchase, including art supplies
4. take the classes that I have been saving up
5. schedule time with friends every other week
Word of the year: AUTHENTICITY
1. do what is best for me (and for us) and not what others want/expect of me
2. work on realizing that what *I* think about myself is all that matters
3. work on art that makes me happy, and not what I think will sell
4. spend time with people who are authentically themselves, and who genuinely like me
5. give of myself in ways that are authentic to me (classes, random gifts, telling them how I feel about them, spend time with them)
I already feel better having written them out instead of having them bounce around in my head.
I have started exercising and am currently on day 2 of a 30-day challenge. I'm enjoying that Body Groove is freeform and allows me room to deal with my own limitations, but also allows me to grow and get better daily. Just doing the elliptical isn't entertainment enough, it doesn't change up enough, to keep my attention. Plus I can wake up, put on clothes and just do it without having to go anywhere. I'm working on stretching out my left shoulder, too, as I go through the program. I'm realizing how stiff my body is and how much mobility I have lost because I don't move/exercise. My legs are certainly better than my upper body, but I'm not liking how that feels. It will get better as I progress.
My evening eating habits are unhealthy. For whatever reason, after dinner, I just binge, even if I am completely full. Part of it is that I am sitting and watching TV, so I clearly need to change that up somehow. If I am not eating while watching TV I am playing games on my iPad. I'd like to be using that time better -- working on something smaller so that I can be upstairs with J, but nothing messy or too easy for the cats to interfere with. Even my coloring books would be a good option. I will put together a bag of supplies that I can easily stash with things I can do with my hands while watching TV. I will also add some SF gum to the bag so that if I need to chew something, at least it's not all sorts of bad food. And we have a good stock of SF Jello I can eat that is sweet, as well as mini pickles when I want something savory. I need to find something else salty, something chip-like, to snack on too. Maybe some of those keto cheese crisps?
I'm going to print out my list above and post it in a few different places so I see them daily. Part of ADHD is easily losing track of time and what I was meaning to do. I have a habit of getting lost on FB or YouTube for hours at a time, and then feeling terrible about it. Hopefully having my list of goals in front of me all the time will help me focus better. Having a daily checklist of all the things may help me stay accountable, too.
Going into 2020 I had a bunch of goals. So many that when January 1 finally hit, I felt incredibly overwhelmed and froze in place. But they are important goals, so I'm going to brain dump them here.
Spend time, every day, working on my physical health
1. exercise/move for 20-30 minutes daily
2. take all meds every day
3. track food consumed in an app to track calories and be more accountable re: what I eat
4. drink more water and less Coke Zero
5. meal plan and eat at home more often
6. take my blood sugar and record it at least once per day
7. reduce overall carb intake - fewer than 90 for a while, then fewer than 60 per day
8. stop eating after 8PM
9. to bed by midnight
10. awake by 9AM
11. work with diabetic coach as prescribed by Dr. D
Spend time, every day, working on my mental health:
1. journal daily, even if it's just a brain dump
2. meditate daily for at least 5 minutes using Calm app
3. read and/or work in my mental health books
4. chat with M or J weekly about what I am reading/learning
5. reduce the time I spend on Facebook
6. stick to routine visits with Dr. A and Abi
Word of the year: INTENTION
1. plan my week on Sunday evenings using my calendar(s) and Daily Agenda paper
2. make big decisions after sleeping on them - discuss them with J to get feedback
3. have plans/vision for everything I purchase, including art supplies
4. take the classes that I have been saving up
5. schedule time with friends every other week
Word of the year: AUTHENTICITY
1. do what is best for me (and for us) and not what others want/expect of me
2. work on realizing that what *I* think about myself is all that matters
3. work on art that makes me happy, and not what I think will sell
4. spend time with people who are authentically themselves, and who genuinely like me
5. give of myself in ways that are authentic to me (classes, random gifts, telling them how I feel about them, spend time with them)
I already feel better having written them out instead of having them bounce around in my head.
I have started exercising and am currently on day 2 of a 30-day challenge. I'm enjoying that Body Groove is freeform and allows me room to deal with my own limitations, but also allows me to grow and get better daily. Just doing the elliptical isn't entertainment enough, it doesn't change up enough, to keep my attention. Plus I can wake up, put on clothes and just do it without having to go anywhere. I'm working on stretching out my left shoulder, too, as I go through the program. I'm realizing how stiff my body is and how much mobility I have lost because I don't move/exercise. My legs are certainly better than my upper body, but I'm not liking how that feels. It will get better as I progress.
My evening eating habits are unhealthy. For whatever reason, after dinner, I just binge, even if I am completely full. Part of it is that I am sitting and watching TV, so I clearly need to change that up somehow. If I am not eating while watching TV I am playing games on my iPad. I'd like to be using that time better -- working on something smaller so that I can be upstairs with J, but nothing messy or too easy for the cats to interfere with. Even my coloring books would be a good option. I will put together a bag of supplies that I can easily stash with things I can do with my hands while watching TV. I will also add some SF gum to the bag so that if I need to chew something, at least it's not all sorts of bad food. And we have a good stock of SF Jello I can eat that is sweet, as well as mini pickles when I want something savory. I need to find something else salty, something chip-like, to snack on too. Maybe some of those keto cheese crisps?
I'm going to print out my list above and post it in a few different places so I see them daily. Part of ADHD is easily losing track of time and what I was meaning to do. I have a habit of getting lost on FB or YouTube for hours at a time, and then feeling terrible about it. Hopefully having my list of goals in front of me all the time will help me focus better. Having a daily checklist of all the things may help me stay accountable, too.
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