It's Complicated

So I made all those lists and such just a few weeks ago, and I have yet to really sit down and follow through with any of them. Why? See post title.

It's the voices that play in my head all day, constantly, until I finally sleep at night. And even then, versions of them work into my dreams. They tell me that it's not worth the effort, that I'm not worth the effort, and that any work I put into myself is wasted time because it isn't going to change anything or anyone's opinions of me. Why bother?

Cyclically speaking, that is the headspace I live in for a week or two a month. Then I get a reprieve for a few days, and then 2-7 days of even worse mental brutality. This perimenopausal thing is harsh, and as a dear friend recently said to me, we never talk about it. As women, it would probably help us all to be more open about it and share our experiences with one another because, to be honest, I didn't realize how terrible the mental part of this could get. I really thought it was all just physical and hormonal. But I have no doubt that this is my penance for a lifetime of fairly easy menstrual cycles. No cramps or other symptoms until I turned 40. Then the cramps started, the crazy mood swings, then binging on everything in sight, and the ups and downs of "when is it starting? IS it starting this month?" Hot flashes, sweating through the sheets at night in the dead of winter with the window open and ceiling fan on... it's all so ridiculous. As if I need my body to do all of this to remind me that my eggs are over and I cannot birth children anymore. I get it! I was fine with that idea at 20, I never wanted any to begin with, so can we just please be done?

Apparently not.

And meds don't really help much during those times. I've asked about increasing dosage during those days, but I'm told that I am not likely to see much of a difference because other than my ADHD meds, none of them are fast-acting. So the sad answer is, deal with it.