Today, in this moment right now, I am happy.
I feel like this is important to post because too often I only write when I am sad, frustrated, or angry.
Nothing spectacular happened today. We've done a med change, so that could be part of it (let's hope), but also things are really looking up in terms of our life together. We're moving out and moving on within the next 2 months. It's been stressful because trying to coordinate a studio move and house move is a lot. I've also been trying to work with a friend on some business stuff and that has proven to be difficult. I'm reminded, daily, that texts and FB messages are not an adequate way to express emotion behind one's words. Trying to give a lot of grace...
But I'm happy. Today. In this moment.
The sky has been clear and blue all day. The lake is a blue-green that was really shimmery in the sun. It was about 60*, nearly perfect, save for the breeze that made it just a touch chilly. The girls are calm and happy. Jason likes his new job and the feeling seems mutual. Right now the house is quiet, just some birds outside and the sound of the bubbling fountain for the girls. Everyone I love is healthy, as far as I know, and although COVID is still pushing down on us, right now the simple precautions we are taking are keeping it at bay, at least for us. Right now, in this moment, I am happy.
And for that, I am very grateful.
Wednesday, May 13, 2020
Monday, May 11, 2020
TV Wisdom
I've been trying to come to terms with a major truth that was revealed to me by way of a TV show. I hate when fictional characters are smarter than me.
The truth is this -- when someone you love cheats on you, or abandons you (or both), you are left asking "why wasn't I enough?" for the rest of your life. Now in the TV character's situation, she was only talking about being cheated on by her husband, but I realized that the same applies when someone you love abandons you, or otherwise neglects you. Say, for example, a parent.
Being abandoned by my father at a young age, and ignored by my mother for a hefty chunk of my childhood, I've spent most of my life asking myself how I could be enough for them... what could I have done? Or what DID I do that pushed them away?
These questions, these feelings have shaped my entire being. I have tried to be what people want me to be, even when it is inauthentic. I try to entertain, give gifts, anticipate needs and over-compensate... and then I am tremendously let down when these offerings go unacknowledged the way I want them to be acknowledged. I'm basically setting others up for failure, which will then seal what I think I already know - I'm not worthy, not good enough.
Time and time again I make friends, only to have them become friends with my friends and then leave me behind. Why is this? Again - feelings of being unworthy. More than likely it's because I anticipate this happening and try to intercept it by over-reacting and being even more... "too much" to somehow prove my worthiness. This also has the implication that those other 2 people are "better" than me to begin with, and that I should have to work to prove myself worthy to them.
The actual truth is that it has nothing to do with me. People like the people they like. People connect with the people that meet their needs, and not everyone is a perfect match. And just because two of my friends become friends doesn't mean that they will always choose each other over me. In fact, we could all choose each other. There are so many possibilities, and the vast majority of them have little to do with me, and more to do with them and their own "stuff."
So the big question is this - how do I retrain my brain to believe that I am worthy of love and friendship, just as much as anyone else is worthy of these things? Answering this question feels like the answer to a lot of my issues... an answer to a lot of the feelings that keep regurgitating in my psyche over and over.
The truth is this -- when someone you love cheats on you, or abandons you (or both), you are left asking "why wasn't I enough?" for the rest of your life. Now in the TV character's situation, she was only talking about being cheated on by her husband, but I realized that the same applies when someone you love abandons you, or otherwise neglects you. Say, for example, a parent.
Being abandoned by my father at a young age, and ignored by my mother for a hefty chunk of my childhood, I've spent most of my life asking myself how I could be enough for them... what could I have done? Or what DID I do that pushed them away?
These questions, these feelings have shaped my entire being. I have tried to be what people want me to be, even when it is inauthentic. I try to entertain, give gifts, anticipate needs and over-compensate... and then I am tremendously let down when these offerings go unacknowledged the way I want them to be acknowledged. I'm basically setting others up for failure, which will then seal what I think I already know - I'm not worthy, not good enough.
Time and time again I make friends, only to have them become friends with my friends and then leave me behind. Why is this? Again - feelings of being unworthy. More than likely it's because I anticipate this happening and try to intercept it by over-reacting and being even more... "too much" to somehow prove my worthiness. This also has the implication that those other 2 people are "better" than me to begin with, and that I should have to work to prove myself worthy to them.
The actual truth is that it has nothing to do with me. People like the people they like. People connect with the people that meet their needs, and not everyone is a perfect match. And just because two of my friends become friends doesn't mean that they will always choose each other over me. In fact, we could all choose each other. There are so many possibilities, and the vast majority of them have little to do with me, and more to do with them and their own "stuff."
So the big question is this - how do I retrain my brain to believe that I am worthy of love and friendship, just as much as anyone else is worthy of these things? Answering this question feels like the answer to a lot of my issues... an answer to a lot of the feelings that keep regurgitating in my psyche over and over.
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