I’ve spent most of my 38 years feeling broken. My parents split when I was 7. Before that, I had always been a daddy’s girl. I idolized my dad, he was everything to me. When my parents split, though, he didn’t make much effort to see me. At first it was once a month, then once every few months, then a card on my birthday… by the time I was 10, I rarely heard from him at all. When I was in high school I reconnected with him for a little bit because I walked past his house everyday on the way home from school — I found that out when I was walking home and saw him mowing the lawn, but he moved out of the house within a year, and disappeared again. I didn’t talk to him, hear from him.. nothing. he just disappeared.
My life went on… I went away to college, got a degree, met my husband and got married, moved around the country a bit, and finally settled in Denver, where we’ve been for the last 10 years. A few months ago I got a message on Facebook from my stepbrother. He told me my dad was very ill and had been searching for my half-brother and me for a long time. He wanted to talk to us both soon, not knowing how long he was going to be alive.
That was really difficult. I have spent my entire life feeling like something was wrong with me because my own father didn’t want anything to do with me. I have lived my life always trying to please others in order to feel some level of approval from someone…. anyone… so that I could feel whole again. It’s never worked. I live this life of desperately trying to make others like me, while keeping them at a distance so that they can never hurt me the way my father hurt me. It’s a hard life to live because there is never any balance.
Anyway, it was then that I found Brave Girls. I signed up almost immediately for Soul Restoration and couldn’t wait to start! But I have spent the entire course feeling like I was lying to myself and everyone else about being brave because I couldn’t bring myself to talk to my dad. I was so afraid that he would tell me I wasn’t worth the time, or that he would suck me in again, only to abandon me all over again. I was living in constant fear, but also jealousy, because I knew my brother was having conversations with our father and was working through their issues.
But I finally feel BRAVE!!! First, I came to realization during week 1 of Soul Restoration that I have a pretty awesome life, and that I have done some amazing things, and he missed out. It was his CHOICE to miss out, not mine. Second, during week 2 I sat down and wrote him a letter. By the time I was done, it was 3, single-spaced, typed pages that not only told him how I felt my entire life because of his crappy choices, but also all about everything he has missed out on because of it. And Sunday, feeling the bravest I have ever felt, I called him. I was terrified at first, but we spoke for nearly an hour, and it was quite good. In fact, the call ended with him telling me that he loved me. And in that moment, I forgave. I will not forget, but I forgave him, and I forgave myself.
I was truly BRAVE.
